2 weeks

At 6:53pm today it has been 2 weeks since our baby girl forever changed our lives. This has been the longest and the shortest 2 weeks of my life. I say the shortest because I don't want the days to pass, I want to be back sitting in the hospital with my daughter. I don't want to forget one detail of the 24 hours we were able to cuddle her. 

Jason and I have a matching teddy bear to the one Ellie was buried with. I find that I treat it like she (the teddy bear) has feelings, the few times I have been downstairs since coming home from the hospital I find the need to bring her down there. I down want her alone upstairs. I don't go down stairs very often anymore. Jason and I used to spend a lot of time down there, that's where we would watch tv. Now it feels wrong. Watching tv downstairs is what we did when Ellie was alive and kicking inside my tummy. When Jason was at work I would watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and now that feels wrong, that's what I did "before". How can I just go back to it?

We had a Dr appt with our OB today, was more of a mental check up than anything. He is such a kind man, not many other drs could have handled this situation with such grace and compassion. I started crying as soon as he walked in the room. He will always be a physical reminder of the birth of my daughter. I am still wearing my hospital bracelets because they are physical reminders from the one place I have memories of my daughter. 

What does it mean to be a mother when you can't feel, see, or hear your child? I feel like I got cheated out of being a mother. I didn't get to change her diaper, feed her or calm her down. I don't have memories of her wiggling or making facial expressions. I don't know if that makes the grief easier or harder.  The realization hits me like a wall every now and then, I am a mom. I have a daughter. But I only had her physical body for 24 hours to care for and be protective over. Now I have things to be protective over. I was protective and selfish with every decision we made after we left the hospital, I wanted to know everything that was being done for planning her visitation and funeral because these are the only choices we get to make with her life. And now I have her pictures and all the cards we have been sent to be protective over.

Every day is different. My thoughts, my feelings, my attitude all depend on how I feel right at that moment, every thing can be different 2 minutes later. 

grief

Since January 7th we have been grieving. Then we started grieving all over again on July 9th. Ellie's name is said a 1,000 times an hour in my head. Sometimes it's just her name other times it goes along with a prayer or a memory.
Jason and I grieve differently, the difference between being a man and woman, dad and mom, didn't carry the baby and carried the baby.
I have the physical pain of wanting to feel Ellie kick inside of me. I feel like I am re-learning how to be in a non-pregnant body. I forget I can bend over or try to put on other shoes other than the flip flops I wore for the last month.
The Haven Network gave us a pink baby album with black and white edited photos that I keep in our living room. I can't sit in that room and not look at the photos. There is a picture of Ellie lying on her side with her hands folded together under her chin and she is staring so innocently at the camera and I instinctively rub her cheeks every time I look at that photo. I so badly want to feel her chubby cheeks again. Or wrap her fingers around my thumbs.

I posted this article shortly before Ellie made her grand entrance into the world...
family and friends

The anxiety and awkwardness of social situations is dead on in that article. Days after Ellie passed away Jason called to ask me if I wanted to get together with a group of people and tears immediately filled my eyes. My stomach tightened and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. Since then I have not had such an intense reaction to seeing and being with other people. The intensity of anxiousness is different every other minute. I never know how I am going to feel or when the feeling is going to change to some thing more bearable.
I am ok with being around other people. But I don't feel like myself, like I used to. It feels wrong to be out of the house, to be making small talk, to be smiling. It is so uncomfortable to watch family, friends and even strangers go on with life so easily. Don't they know what happened 11 short days ago?

I am not telling you all of this so that someone can say the perfect words to make those feelings go away. I know that I am allowed to grieve how ever I need to and for how ever long I need to.

I don't cry every day. Ambien helps me sleep. And my husband makes me laugh everyday.

I have been asked if I will continue blogging... I will, but it will take awhile to figure why I am blogging now and what to write about. Before it was to keep my far away family and friends in the know about my pregnancy. And now...I don't want this to become post after post of depressing grief.

I love talking about Ellie. I love looking at her pictures. I even like talking about the hospital stay and labor. Maybe someday I'll share more details about labor and delivery. I will share one little detail now, our wee little daughter was 3lbs 6oz at birth, I gained nearly 50lbs...we were told early on in the pregnancy that I would retain excess water weight. They were NOT kidding. My OB had to break my water...I lost 3 liters of fluids in one fallow swoop. Imagine if my water had broke in the middle of Target...

Quick thought

A woman posted this link on an anencephaly Facebook group and I thought it would be good to share. 

Not sure how Jason and I will be later but I agreed with everything up until this point. 

http://reconceivingloss.com/information-for-friends-and-family-of-the-bereaved-talking-about-pregnancy-loss/

...I don't know

It's July already. I don't know how that happened. My due date is in 24 days. It was changed to July 25th about a month ago.
We had a Dr. appointment last Thursday,well actually we had an ultra sound and the Dr. appt. was rescheduled for tomorrow. Our OB was held up with another mom who was in labor at the hospital and by the time he got us we had to leave because of other appointments. My blood pressure is still low 106/..something, I never remember the bottom #. I have now gained 45 lbs!! Goodness gracious that was tough to type. Majority of it is water weight. My large prego tummy is measuring normal even though Ellie is an itty bitty peanut weighing in at 3lb 6oz or so the ultra sound estimated. So of that 45lbs I have gained only 4 pounds are baby...that does not help my self-esteem. The rest of my large tummy is all water...
My mom told me I look like I am carrying a watermelon that is standing vertical and she is absolutely right, when I look in the mirror that is exactly what it looks like.

My due date may be July 25th but I have a feeling Ellie is going to make us wait. Dr. said he wouldn't let me go beyond Aug. 2nd. So for those of you who are going to be traveling to see us after Ellie is born you can plan your trip around those dates. I joined a couple Facebook groups related to anencephaly and from what I have read most anen babies come early, between 20-30 weeks or they come after their due date. Of course if my blood pressure spikes or if I gain weight rapidly my Dr. will break membranes...which will start labor.

 Now that I am not on my feet for 7 hours a day my feet have been looking a lot better. My calves are definitely large and tender. My legs feel bruised when ever they are pressed because of all the water retention. I had to change the way I get into bed because of how tender my shins are.

I have braxton hicks (fake contractions) every other day if not everyday. They feel exactly like they were described to me, a tightening sensation that rolls through my stomach. They are not painful. Sometimes they happen a few times within an hour.

Now that we know about how much Ellie will weigh I have been shopping a little more seriously...braxton hicks contraction is happening right now... Just thought you'd like to know : )
My mom and I have been shopping online for a couple outfits.
I am having a really hard time with what to bury Ellie in...I see burial gowns online and all I can think is "she will be cold in that" and I don't want her to be cold. I am fully aware she won't be able to feel the cold but I can't seem to accept that. I don't want to pick out what she is going to be buried in, I shouldn't have to. None of this is fair.

The thought of burying Ellie and seeing her for the first time are the two things that bring the most apprehension. Seeing her for the first time... I have no idea how to prepare myself. She is going to be missing  the top of her skull. Covered in a hat or not I will know part of her skull is gone and that will bring me so much pain. All of the unknowns of the birth are very scary and there is nothing anyone can say, because every birth is different. My OB can't tell me exactly what is going to happen or how long Ellie is going to live for.

We weren't able to see Ellie's face in the last ultra sound, the way she was laying her body was casting a shadow over her face. We do know she will have some hair around the back of her head, we were able to see that in the ultra sound. We have pictures of her legs and of her spine. She is still head down and really low.

Sorry the pictures are not of the best quality. The first 3 are her feet and the last 2 are her spine, all of the pictures are taken as though she is sitting up straight, but she is really upside down.

Party time!

We had Ellie's party on the 9th and it was wonderful! We had close to 70 family and friends come and celebrate Ellie's life. We were blessed with wonderful weather, we were all biting our nails the day before hoping the storms would hold off. We served foods that I have craved during the pregnancy: faux Arby's sandwiches, fruit, chocolate kisses and we had to have some delicious cupcakes! We had a table set up with all of the Ellie box contents and all of the things we have been given through out the pregnancy. We were surprised to learn that people brought gifts. That was not something I had planned for. We are surrounded by so many people who are there for us during this time. I can't tell enough people thank you for everything they have done for us. And I will thank everyone for the gifts they brought to the party when I get some free time. I started another grad class so my summer break has temporarily ended.

Tough moments lately...all of the girls. Jason and I have so many friends that just welcomed little girls or are expecting little girls all within months of Ellie's due date. Some days are easier to hear about those other girls and some days I have no idea how to act because in my mind I am screaming it's not fair. All of these sweet girls are beautiful and have wonderful parents and we don't want them to ever feel like they can't talk to us about their baby or soon to be baby. But the hardest thing is that what you're going through with your little girl we will not get to do with Ellie. We didn't have any baby showers, we don't get to set up a nursery, we aren't excited about our due date. We will never hear Ellie call us mom or dad. We will never know what Ellie will look like in school pictures. And what I realized in the last couple days is that I will always look at these other girls and think about Ellie and how she should be just months younger or older than them. Every milestone these girls will reach I will be sad that Jason and I won't get to watch Ellie reach milestones. As time goes on I hope I will get better with handling these situations.

I went back and forth thinking about deleting that last paragraph...I am sorry if you are reading this and you believe you are one of the parents to one of the girls. I am so happy for you and you deserve to be happy, I apologize if I have upset you in any way.

We are getting closer to our due date and I have so many mixed emotions. I don't even know how to sort them out. I know I need to trust in God and let him take us through how it he intended this to all happen. I don't know why I even think about this, but I am afraid of who will be around me and how to act after Ellie passes away.

It was Father's Day this past Sunday. I couldn't even pick out a card without crying. I walked away from the card selection 3 times. I couldn't decide if I wanted a card from Ellie or from me. You know how some cards are meant to be from certain people? Finally I settled on a card for Jason. I found one that was from Ellie and I. I cried writing in the card. I cried hiding the card. I cried thinking about the card. I cried laying the card on the counter. I cried while Jason opened the card. I am crying typing this. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Everyday is not a good day. But Jason is always my good thing in everyday. Without him I don't know how I would be going through this journey. I am so sad that Jason won't get to be the protective dad to his daughter. He is a wonderful dad to Ellie and I know he will be a wonderful dad to the children we will have in the future, I think he will be an even better dad having gone through this.

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize. 

stretched

Holy cow...I don't understand how skin stretches out this far. Today I was walking back to my classroom after dropping the kids off at their buses and I felt like my stomach was going to rip off. It was so uncomfortable feeling. Once I sat down in my classroom with my feet up for a few minutes I felt better. I still have 3 months to go (@ 27 weeks now)! How much further is my poor tummy skin going to stretch?!
Not only is my tummy stretching....my thighs are expanding, my once waist is now "muffin top-esq." I am being a big wimp about the weight gain and body changes. I can handle my tummy bump getting bigger (self-esteem wise) but when the rest of my body begins to change I am not so happy.

ANYWAYS!
It has been quite awhile since I have posted, sorry about that. Now that the weather is warming up I have been spending more time outside and doing things around the house. I seem to be much more motivated to clean and organize when I can have the windows open. I have spent the last 2 weekends outside planting flowers. I think that is how I am "nesting" since I don't have a nursery to be prepping. I am much more motivated this spring when it comes to gardening and concerned about checking the soil everyday.

A week ago J and I met with 8 different people at the hospital I'll be delivering at. Our OB was instrumental in setting up the big meeting. In the end our OB couldn't be there, he got pulled in the OR, oh well. The rest of us went piece by piece through a birth plan. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but I didn't go into that meeting mentally prepared for talking about a birth plan and all that those entail. There were 2 woman from the Haven Network (prenatal hospice), 1 OB that our OB highly respects, 1 neonatal nurse, 1 highly respected nurse from the labor and delivery floor, and 3 admins from the labor and delivery floor. We talked through every little detail. Somethings were easy to decide if we wanted to or not, others we will work through it in the coming months. The conversation went from what kinds of things do we want in our L and D room like books, movies and computers to do we want Ellie to be intabated (spelling?).


*Warning* tearjerker ahead!! If you don't feel like being sad or re-doing your make-up don't read the following paragraph.

The hardest thing we've done lately is drive by the cemetery. We drove in and found the family members that Ellie would be laid near. It was incredibly hard and surreal. It didn't really sink in what we were doing until we sat in front of the exact spot. I continue to remind myself something that my aunt once told me, that's not where Ellie will be, she will be in Heaven. That is very comforting to me. Even with Ellie going to Heaven it is still not where I want her, I want her at our home, alive with us. I know she will be healed in Heaven and happy.

On a happy note I only have 19.5 school days left!! My school doesn't have air-conditioning! It got really warm twice last week and my feet swelled for the first time. It was quite depressing and not comfortable at all. So I am hoping the really warm weather can wait until June 7th. Well actually lets say June 12th or so, then I can get my classroom cleaned up and ready for summer/next fall.


Here is little miss Stella keeping me company while blogging, she is laying on my legs.

strength

A lot of people have told Jason and I how strong we are and they don't know how we are going about life like we do knowing that we are going to lose our daughter. I get it quite often on my own, not everyday but at least once a week. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty with how normal we go about normal life. I know God deserves a large amount of credit for our strength. We also have fabulous families and friends. Do I have my days/moments where I don't want to get out of bed? Of course. But when you think about it you're pregnant for almost a year of your life, that is a dang long period of time. We found out very early on about Ellie's condition, we still had majority of the pregnancy ahead of us. What are we going to do? Be angry and hate life for the next 9 months? no. We have 9 months to be parents to our little girl. There are moments when I am bitter listening to other expectant mothers talk about the frustrations of their pregnancy or about the expense of welcoming a child into the world. Sometimes I want to get up and not listen. What about J and I's expense of our pregnancy? We will pay for the birth of our child and quickly after pay for our child's funeral. It is wrong. Period.
But other times I get caught up in the pregnancy conversation and am able to laugh and enjoy sharing stories. Why shouldn't I? I have found sometimes that the fact we are going to lose Ellie doesn't even cross my mind while talking about my pregnancy with other pregnant mothers. For a moment I get to be like any other normal pregnant lady.
Ellie deserves to hear us laugh and joke. Am I going to screw all the "don'ts" of pregnancy because its already as bad as it can be? no. Ellie is alive and well right now, she deserves a healthy environment.
At this point I think we deserve to be happy and to enjoy life while we can, enjoy Ellie while we can. Just because we aren't crying everyday all day doesn't mean we don't love her and aren't thinking of her 24 hours of the day.

Come the end of July, beginning of August, we are going to dig ourselves into 12 foot deep holes and probably not come out for a very long time. The people we have been all of our lives will probably disappear for a while. I can't even imagine the reality of the pain we will feel this summer. So for these next few months we deserve to be happy. I say "we deserve" for myself, not because I am trying to prove a point to someone else.

We are also finding things to look forward to. For example we are going to have a party for Ellie in June. Some people have a hard time understanding why we would want to do that. The only birthday Ellie will have is her BIRTHday. So as parents we decided we want to throw her a party while she is alive. To have as many people near her that love her and want to celebrate her life as possible. That is something that as her parents we are excited about, this is the only party we will get to throw for her.

I think of this quote often when I think of Ellie and her impact on us and everyone surrounding us. 

this and that

Sorry I have been terrible at updating my blog!! I am finally on spring break and just got back from MN the other day.

Where to begin... 

My students have been talking about my baby more often now. After I initially told them they were so concerned with sharing who they knew were pregnant and really didn't say anything about me being pregnant; which was fine with me. I can only smile so much when talking about being pregnant. They are now talking about my baby more and asking questions. A couple of my boys have told other adults at my school that I had my baby already, they are quite the crew. One of my very special babies tells adults at school that I am "fat in my belly with a baby". I told him that the baby is a girl right before spring break and now anytime I read a story about a girl he likes to make comments that Mrs. H is having a girl. He also likes to tell me that he wants to see the baby and asks if I can bring the baby to school. Those kind of comments make me smile because he has been so caring about me being pregnant that I am so happy for him and our relationship with how it is growing. He was really tough at the beginning of the year and I was worried how the rest of the year would go. When he asks if he can see her I try to explain to him that I won't have the baby until we are out of school for the summer. He doesn't really understand that statement so the conversation usually ends there. 

Ellie girl is doing wonderful (25 weeks old). She moves the most in the late afternoon and when I am laying in bed going to sleep. She was moving a lot last night as Jason and I were laying in bed so I told Jason to feel and see if he could feel her movements. She was kicking a lot right below my belly button, Jason said he felt it! and then she stopped moving. I like to play Pandora on my phone and put my phones speakers on my tummy to see if Ellie will move and she does! So as Jason was trying to feel her movements I played her a little music and she started moving quickly and Jason was able to feel her again! I was so happy that he could be apart of that. 

We met with the Haven Network yesterday about Ellie. They are a local prenatal hospice group. The woman we met with was wonderful. Her and a photographer from the Haven Network will be at the hospital when I go into labor. They will be there to help comfort, deal with memorabilia, and help dress Ellie for the first time. The photographer will take photos of Ellie, J and I, and family members that are at the hospital with us. We will get a disc with all of the photos (there will be 100's) and then they will choose some of their favorites and professionally edit them for us. The woman told us she will be there for us as often as we want or as little as we want, before Ellie's birth and after. 

We also met with our OB yesterday for our regular appointment. No ultra sound this time, we will again around 33 weeks. J and I had 2 pages of questions we wanted to discuss, our OB was wonderful and answered all of them. The delivery conversation will be on going. He would prefer a vaginal birth because he is looking out for my safety. There are many things to consider with both delivery options; they both have pros and cons. We have another appointment in May and after that we will probably have appointments more frequently. 

I suppose that is enough for now. 

engagement and baby clothes

I have started and stopped this post a handful of times now, not because I have something hard to talk about but because words just don't want to come today.

I posted on Saturday saying it was a dull day, well actually I had a secret that I wasn't sure if I could share yet. My brother in-law got engaged on Saturday!! Same brother in-law I mentioned in an earlier post saying he needed to hurry up and propose. He is engaged to a wonderful sweet woman.

Ellie girl...she feels like a tire around my waist. All of a sudden I feel like I can't bend over normally or lean forward in a chair easily. I don't feel like my belly has grown that much to make that feeling pop up all of a sudden. Sleeping has also gotten a little uncomfortable. I am so cautious of laying on my stomach. I am told I can sleep on my stomach but I think I am just nervous of hurting Ellie. I wake up in the middle of the night and before my alarm feeling uncomfortable, almost like my stomach is being stretched but it can't stretch anymore. Is that normal? Or am I crazy?

As I was wandering around Target today I past the baby clothes section and couldn't help myself from going in and picking out something for Ellie. Whether she is born alive or not she will need at least a few outfits. I found two cute summery outfits. Emotionally I was fine, my mind was kind of blank as I picked out the outfits and then went about my shopping. I realized when I got home I was afraid to be happy about buying clothes because I might jinx Ellie and she won't be born alive if I buy too much stuff in hopes she will be with us for a length of time. I remember the morning of our January 7th appointment, I was watching those baby story shows on TV (the first time since we found we were pregnant) and then hours later we found out our baby probably won't be able to come home with us. I know I really didn't jinx Ellie by watching those shows but it is quite annoying the morning of the appointment I let myself get excited about being pregnant. I am not sure how I will ever be able to relax the next time we find out we're pregnant...

Back to school tomorrow. It is always harder to go back after a long weekend, but only 9 school days until spring break!!

kind of dull...

I don't really have anything going on or anything exciting to talk about. Just enjoying a long weekend.

The emotions of learning about Ellie (that she is a she) are still raw and sudden sometimes. But it seems to be like when we found out our sweet baby was anecephalic, we had a week of being very emotional and now it is our norm and we go on with life. We enjoy talking about Ellie and not about "it". I have started looking at hats online for Ellie to wear...which feels a little surreal. I think that's because I enjoy shopping for hats but deep down I am shopping for hats to cover the abnormality of Ellie's skull and that hasn't truly sunk in yet. I can't seem to wrap my head around what she will look like. I know that no matter what she looks like I won't care because she is my daughter, but I am a little scared of how I will feel when I see her lack of skull for the first time.
I had a friend tell me that there is no skin where the absence of skull is, which almost terrifies me. How will I hold her? I don't want to hurt her. You will see dark matter (brain I am assuming) that is covered by a thin clear membrane. After talking to a few people and reading a little more I have re-affirmed my feelings of wanting a c-section, it seems having a c-section gives Ellie better odds of being born alive and living anywhere from minutes to possibly a couple days.

Well, I guess I had more to talk about than I thought I did.

Happy Easter!

Didn't work...

I was trying to load a couple of You Tube videos...apparently I don't know how. Hopefully the links work by clicking on the song titles.

Worn- Tenth Avenue North
Need You Now- Plumb


I have heard those 2 songs on the radio in the last week and they seemed to sum up my feelings pretty well.

We had our cinnamon rolls this morning while talking about something that I think is pretty exciting. You will find out in the next month or so what I am excited about. : ) I don't want to say too much just in case it ends up not working out.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Ellie Martin Holmertz

Our daughters name is Ellie Martin Holmertz. Martin is my maiden name, it would have been the middle name either way, boy or girl. I wanted our baby to have a bit of both families in her name since she will not be here to know her family.

Knowing we are losing a daughter is incredibly hard. I find I am in tears more often than I was before finding out she is girl. I figured that was coming  because now every time I see something girl related I know that is something that I will not get to experience, that Ellie will not get to experience. Before, when we didn't know boy or girl, seeing baby/kid things was not as hard because we didn't know which we were going to lose. And now we know.

Our counselor wants us to write letters to her...even starting to draft a letter in my head brings me to tears.I don't even know Ellie and I love her more than anything. I miss her already. I try to imagine what she might look like at 1 years old, on her first day of kindergarten, on her wedding day. The thing that seems to be hardest for me is thinking about her going to Heaven...I know that sounds odd. You would think knowing she will be in a better place with loved ones we have already lost would bring me comfort and joy. All it reminds me of is that she will be there and not here with us.

If anyone is willing to do some research for me I would appreciate it...I want to know the percentage of Anecephaly babies born alive after a c-section vs. vaginal birth (assuming I go to full term). I plan to talk more about it with my OB but I want to know what is out there on the web but I am scared of what I might see. I also want to know what the top of her head will look like, will there be skin? Or will we be able to see the wound?
I did find these % when I was being brave yesterday...
7% died in utero 
18% died during birth 
26% lived between 1 and 60 minutes 
27% lived between 1 and 24 hours 
17% lived between 1 and 5 days 
5% lived 6 or more days 
from www.anecephaly.info (I did not look through this website in detail)

This info goes against some stats that our OB told us...

Here is our beautiful daughter.

Here is her profile. It was really hard to get pictures of her face, she wanted to hold her arms in front of her. 

Here is another profile, a little more wavy and hard to see. You can see her one arm is up and she is touching her forehead. 

It's a girl! You see her butt, her two legs going to the left, and then nothing between her legs... : )

Love you Ellie!



Our basement.......
Here is the before

The future family room.

Will become bathroom and bonus room

Laundry room/storage will remain unfinished.

And as of today!!!

The family room 

The hallway to the bathroom (on the left), bonus room at the end of the hallway, and then laundry room on the right.  Eventually the wall on the right will have built-in shelves. 

We'll get glass walls for the shower. 

Happy Saturday. 

I don't want to hold everyone in suspense...

This morning we found out our baby is a girl. It is very bittersweet and we are still working through how to even being thinking about this baby as a girl and our daughter without falling apart. I am going to keep this short so I can compose my thoughts and write again later when I have my head screwed on tight.
Thank you for all of the support and prayers!

Tomorrow

I have absolutely no idea how to feel about tomorrow. How should you feel when you're going to find out if the baby you are going to lose is your daughter or son? I have the slightest feeling of excitement...because we will finally know, boy or girl! The other 99% is a ball of emotions that I can't begin to organize into words and sentences. I am afraid of how life will change after tomorrow. Will I be able to function as well as I have been in the last 11 weeks? Will seeing other babies be even harder than it is now? Tomorrow determines how depressing it will be to think of pretty girly clothes or little boys playing sports until August 3rd and far after I am sure.

I have this reoccurring thought about Christmas in Iowa every now and then. While Jason and I were celebrating Christmas with family in Iowa last year we were having a fun conversation about how old the baby would be the next time we are in Iowa for Christmas...4 months. I keep thinking about that sweet 4 month old baby that I want to be holding in Iowa, wearing cute Pjs and being passed around by family...
Instead we will be empty handed and heartbroken.

Tomorrow at 10:30 (well lets say 10:50, they're never on time).

uff-da

uff-da doesn't really do justice to how I feel after this week. My parents were in town for a couple days (which was not part of the uff-da) which was wonderful! My mom was able to help in my classroom for 2 days, so nice to have another adult in the room for a couple days.

So either pregnancy brain is in full swing or this weeks jammed packedness (I know it's not a word, just go with it) momentarily stopped my brain from thinking clearly. Sunday while at the grocery store I forgot my pin...meaning Jason and to bring me a check (our grocery store doesn't take credit). Monday morning I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't fall back asleep...fast forward to 6:40am and I backed into my parents car, Happy Monday to me! I had to get report cards done and finish an assignment for grad school...all on Monday. Tuesday I had so much random paperwork to do at school to get ready for our field trip on Wednesday and then get some stuff together for grad school before leaving for home...only to learn that my homework hadn't properly saved!! err. Made it to class just in time Tuesday. All through class my mind is making a list of what do I still need to do to get ready for the field trip. Wednesday night I had to organize all the random stuff for parent-teacher conferences on Thursday. No time to think!

I made it to Friday!! Along with all of the other junk that was going on my mind kept thinking ahead to Monday  and finding out the gender of our baby...I am so sad and I don't even know why. boy or girl. I will be so sad either way. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like to see our baby again in an ultra sound. I want to look but I am afraid of what I will see. I am afraid of falling apart after learning what the gender is. Knowing if it is a boy or girl is something that just thinking about brings me to tears. 

I have been thinking about the funeral a lot lately. We are half way through the pregnancy and I don't want to have to make a lot of decisions after we lose our baby. I want people to know what we want and how we want it so we don't have to be asked. I want balloons at the funeral...birthday balloons. I want to celebrate the BIRTHday of my baby because we won't get to truly celebrate a birthday. Sometime before the burial of baby I want everyone at the funeral to be able to release a birthday balloon in celebration of our baby. 

I have also been thinking about where we will lay our baby down. I don't have any family buried here and the thought of burying our baby next people I don't know scares me. I know Jason has family here that he loves and misses but I don't know them. It makes me so incredibly sad to have to make that kind of decision. I don't want to hurt other people with that decision but it needs to be something that makes both Jason and I comfortable. 

Ok, wipe my eyes. On to exciting things! Our basement! We are getting so close. Our bathroom is done!! We need 2 glass walls for the shower but we will take care of that a little later. All the doors and closets are in. Majority of the trim is done. Lighting will be finished Monday or Tuesday next week. We will hopefully start carpeting in the 2 weeks or so. I promise I will post pictures soon.  

It's Friday night and not even 7pm and I am exhausted. Story of my life. If someone asked me what my bedtime is...I don't think I can say 9:30 anymore. It is more like 8:30. I miss caffeinated coffee! One cup a day just isn't enough. I have decaf but it just isn't the same. Not to mention I have to be careful how much chocolate I eat...not fun. 

20 weeks

I am sure most moms to be are excited to hit 20 weeks, find out the gender, half way to meeting their baby, wearing more maternity cloths.
All I can say is that I am 20 weeks. I am not excited that I am half way "there". I am not all that excited to be wearing maternity clothes...well at least having them hang in my closet. I think I have moved into the bitter stage of grief. I have amazing people in my life who have been doing amazing things for me and Jason since we found out we are going to lose our baby. There is a group of people that work with my mom that have all contributed way too much money to help me buy maternity clothes. I am beyond grateful and really can't find the words to appropriately thank them. I went shopping last weekend and got quite a few maternity outfits...for the most part I didn't mind the shopping part. I wasn't congratulated a lot, I wasn't asked too many questions about my baby, those things helped. I was able to laugh at myself when I wore true maternity pants for the first time.
The following day I was off from school for a holiday, cleaning out my closet making room for my new clothes was really hard. I was just reminded that I have to clean out my closet and wear maternity clothes but I don't get the end result. There is no happy ending to all of this. I cringe at the thought of someone saying, "well, it'll all be worth it in the end."
I am enjoying watching my tummy grow, that has been kind of fun.

I haven't told my class that I am pregnant yet, tomorrow I will be doing that. This week I have gotten bored of trying to find really lose outfits to hide the bump, so I have been wearing what I want and have been carrying around random objects to hold in front of me.

On the bright side I received two gifts at school today...one from a student and one from a friend. I'll let you guess which is from who...

                                                         toilet paper and Edible Arrangements

Yes, one of my first graders gave me half of a roll of t.p. "Good morning Mrs. H! I brought you something." I had no idea how to respond...I am hoping this is because I told the class we are running low on Kleenex's. 

I don't have the words...

I don't have the words to describe what is going on in my heart. Today was hard. I was home alone most of the day and needed to clean out my closet to make room for maternity clothes.
As I was putting the clean sheets on our bed I couldn't stop the tears from falling everywhere. My mind wandered to every corner of what we're experienceing and will experience.

I usally use Pinterest's humor section to distract my mind; but tonight I was looking through the quotes and thought I would post some that stuck out to me tonight.



And life isn't going to get any easier for a very long time and that scares me.



Dad

I wish I could fill this post with pictures of my dad and me from when I was younger. I know there are a lot of good ones in photo albums at my parents house...in MN.
I was thinking about my dad on the way to work yesterday and how our experience with this pregnancy might be affecting him. I haven't seen him since the morning before our appointment when we found out our baby is anencephalic. He had left for MN just before our appointment.
While I was driving to work I started thinking about how my dad will be as a grandpa or "pops" as he likes to call himself : ) And tears instantly came because he would be nothing short of amazing. I know him as a dad, uncle, son, and a brother and he is the same crazy, loving, silly, genuine, honest, Godly man in all of his roles. You can spend minutes with him and he will make you feel like you've been friends for a lifetime.
I am so sad this child will not get to know my dad as a grandpa. Quite honestly I'm afraid my dad and mom won't get to meet our baby before he/she passes away, if at all.
But this child won't get to create memories like I have of my dad from when I was a child.
 Love you dad!!
                                                             
                                                                I got the image from Pinterest.

Emotional morning

This morning was emotional for me. As we get closer to March 18th and finding out the gender of our baby I'm having more specific thoughts about what I am going miss out on by losing my baby so soon. This morning as I'm curling my hair for church I started thinking about if our baby is girl, I will be losing a daughter. That is more powerful than losing a non specific gender baby. Thinking about specific gender related hopes and dreams makes it all the more heartbreaking. I started tearing up thinking I wont get to curl my daughters hair or dress her up in cute outfits for church. I am happy our baby can experience cinnamon roll Sunday's in-utero but I am so sad that this baby won't get to experience it at our kitchen table with it's own plate and fork. I want to be late to church because we couldn't find the other sparkly shoe for my daughter, not because we are slow as just the two of us.

By the time we were in the car and on our way I had pulled myself together and thought I would be fine. As we are sitting and listening to the sermon my mind wandered again to the possibility that I am carrying a girl. I started thinking of how I want to memorialize my daughter personally, I want something with her name it that I can see all of the time. I saw a rose gold bangle bracelet on Pinterest the other day, it had a girls name engraved on the end of the bangle, and it was the name I would like to name our daughter. As much as I want that bracelet, I still don't think that will be enough. I need something that will always be around, that I can't lose or leave in my jewelry box on accident. The thought of wearing the bracelet around after the death of my sweet baby and having someone ask who is.... because they saw the name on the bracelet brought me to tears in the middle of the sermon, it took the rest of the sermon to bring myself back together.

I have no real thoughts about whether it's a boy or a girl, but for some reason today I just wondered, what if it's a girl?

Our counselor wants us to write letters to the baby, one from me and one from Jason. Just thinking about doing that brings me to tears. I will do it, but I think I will wait until I know the gender.

pic is from Pinterest