Party time!

We had Ellie's party on the 9th and it was wonderful! We had close to 70 family and friends come and celebrate Ellie's life. We were blessed with wonderful weather, we were all biting our nails the day before hoping the storms would hold off. We served foods that I have craved during the pregnancy: faux Arby's sandwiches, fruit, chocolate kisses and we had to have some delicious cupcakes! We had a table set up with all of the Ellie box contents and all of the things we have been given through out the pregnancy. We were surprised to learn that people brought gifts. That was not something I had planned for. We are surrounded by so many people who are there for us during this time. I can't tell enough people thank you for everything they have done for us. And I will thank everyone for the gifts they brought to the party when I get some free time. I started another grad class so my summer break has temporarily ended.

Tough moments lately...all of the girls. Jason and I have so many friends that just welcomed little girls or are expecting little girls all within months of Ellie's due date. Some days are easier to hear about those other girls and some days I have no idea how to act because in my mind I am screaming it's not fair. All of these sweet girls are beautiful and have wonderful parents and we don't want them to ever feel like they can't talk to us about their baby or soon to be baby. But the hardest thing is that what you're going through with your little girl we will not get to do with Ellie. We didn't have any baby showers, we don't get to set up a nursery, we aren't excited about our due date. We will never hear Ellie call us mom or dad. We will never know what Ellie will look like in school pictures. And what I realized in the last couple days is that I will always look at these other girls and think about Ellie and how she should be just months younger or older than them. Every milestone these girls will reach I will be sad that Jason and I won't get to watch Ellie reach milestones. As time goes on I hope I will get better with handling these situations.

I went back and forth thinking about deleting that last paragraph...I am sorry if you are reading this and you believe you are one of the parents to one of the girls. I am so happy for you and you deserve to be happy, I apologize if I have upset you in any way.

We are getting closer to our due date and I have so many mixed emotions. I don't even know how to sort them out. I know I need to trust in God and let him take us through how it he intended this to all happen. I don't know why I even think about this, but I am afraid of who will be around me and how to act after Ellie passes away.

It was Father's Day this past Sunday. I couldn't even pick out a card without crying. I walked away from the card selection 3 times. I couldn't decide if I wanted a card from Ellie or from me. You know how some cards are meant to be from certain people? Finally I settled on a card for Jason. I found one that was from Ellie and I. I cried writing in the card. I cried hiding the card. I cried thinking about the card. I cried laying the card on the counter. I cried while Jason opened the card. I am crying typing this. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Everyday is not a good day. But Jason is always my good thing in everyday. Without him I don't know how I would be going through this journey. I am so sad that Jason won't get to be the protective dad to his daughter. He is a wonderful dad to Ellie and I know he will be a wonderful dad to the children we will have in the future, I think he will be an even better dad having gone through this.

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize. 

this and that

Sorry I have been terrible at updating my blog!! I am finally on spring break and just got back from MN the other day.

Where to begin... 

My students have been talking about my baby more often now. After I initially told them they were so concerned with sharing who they knew were pregnant and really didn't say anything about me being pregnant; which was fine with me. I can only smile so much when talking about being pregnant. They are now talking about my baby more and asking questions. A couple of my boys have told other adults at my school that I had my baby already, they are quite the crew. One of my very special babies tells adults at school that I am "fat in my belly with a baby". I told him that the baby is a girl right before spring break and now anytime I read a story about a girl he likes to make comments that Mrs. H is having a girl. He also likes to tell me that he wants to see the baby and asks if I can bring the baby to school. Those kind of comments make me smile because he has been so caring about me being pregnant that I am so happy for him and our relationship with how it is growing. He was really tough at the beginning of the year and I was worried how the rest of the year would go. When he asks if he can see her I try to explain to him that I won't have the baby until we are out of school for the summer. He doesn't really understand that statement so the conversation usually ends there. 

Ellie girl is doing wonderful (25 weeks old). She moves the most in the late afternoon and when I am laying in bed going to sleep. She was moving a lot last night as Jason and I were laying in bed so I told Jason to feel and see if he could feel her movements. She was kicking a lot right below my belly button, Jason said he felt it! and then she stopped moving. I like to play Pandora on my phone and put my phones speakers on my tummy to see if Ellie will move and she does! So as Jason was trying to feel her movements I played her a little music and she started moving quickly and Jason was able to feel her again! I was so happy that he could be apart of that. 

We met with the Haven Network yesterday about Ellie. They are a local prenatal hospice group. The woman we met with was wonderful. Her and a photographer from the Haven Network will be at the hospital when I go into labor. They will be there to help comfort, deal with memorabilia, and help dress Ellie for the first time. The photographer will take photos of Ellie, J and I, and family members that are at the hospital with us. We will get a disc with all of the photos (there will be 100's) and then they will choose some of their favorites and professionally edit them for us. The woman told us she will be there for us as often as we want or as little as we want, before Ellie's birth and after. 

We also met with our OB yesterday for our regular appointment. No ultra sound this time, we will again around 33 weeks. J and I had 2 pages of questions we wanted to discuss, our OB was wonderful and answered all of them. The delivery conversation will be on going. He would prefer a vaginal birth because he is looking out for my safety. There are many things to consider with both delivery options; they both have pros and cons. We have another appointment in May and after that we will probably have appointments more frequently. 

I suppose that is enough for now. 

nap time

Jason went to go do a little painting downstairs and I thought it was a good time to take a nap...I woke up to this song on American Idol...

Carrie Underwood- I will see you again

It's the weekend!

I absolutely love weekends!
I love the routine that Jason and I have developed over the short time of our marriage. Friday's are usually low key (who am I kidding our entire weekends are low key), maybe go out to dinner or cook at home and then watch a movie or catch up on some shows. Be jealous. Saturday's are lazy, sleep in, drink some coffee while watching Ellen (LOVE her) recorded during the week. Saturday afternoons are usually spent cleaning, we each have kind of picked our "jobs" and do the same thing every time. In the evening we run errands or spend time with family or friends. Sundays! I look forward to Sunday mornings all week because of the cinnamon rolls waiting in the refrigerator. When I was growing up I remember eating Pillsbury cinnamon rolls before church every Sunday...I don't know how many years we did that for but it is a memory that I love and have adopted for us. We are trying to be better about going to church...we used to go often. And then school, grad school, house projects got in the way of our relaxing and Sunday mornings just seemed too hard to be motivated to get up and get to church. With the news of our sweet baby we knew we needed God's support/words more than ever and the people's support that we go to church with.  Sunday afternoon is usually lunch with the in-laws and a few friends fro m church. I usually end up grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and then relax as much as possible before I have to drag out my school bag and figure out what fun activities I can do with my little firsties for the week. Thanks to Pinterest lesson planning has gotten easier and more fun.

This past Thursday marked my 18th week of being pregnant and I have been feeling good lately. I am still wearing my normal clothes. I have been trying really hard to feel the baby's movement. People are giving me all these different things to feel for because at 18 weeks the baby's bones aren't hard enough to physically feel the movement from the outside of my tummy. So every moment of gas, indigestion  nausea I think it's the baby moving : )

This Saturday will be spent writing my final paper for a grad school class that is ending this Tuesday. Jason is downstairs putting another coat of "Gentle Rain" on the walls. And tonight hopefully we'll be having dinner with my in-laws and my oldest brother in-law. It was both Jason and Brett's birthday in the last couple of weeks so it will be a belated celebration. I am hoping my future sister in-law will be joining us. I have only met her once. They are not engaged yet, but I am waiting.... : ) Brett get moving!!

On Friday the belly looked like this.

And the pants looked like this...

I am not ready for maternity pants mentally yet so I am using a hair tie to hold the button closed. Otherwise my normal pants still fit!

Happy weekend!!

P.S. Jason made a comment about finding grammatical errors in my posts...I don't care. If you care about grammatical errors you may not want to continue reading this blog because it will happen again and again. : )

Birthday!

Today my husband turns 27!! He is the youngest of 3 boys and is 2 months younger than me, I like to remind him who his elder is : )

We both had to work, so I tried to find small ways to celebrate. I wrote on our bathroom mirror a little birthday note for him to read when he woke up. In his lunch I left a card and a little dessert (which didn't even get noticed because he went out to lunch). When he came home from work I had balloons and his gift waiting on the kitchen table.

His gift is a golfing cart, he puts his golf bag on it and then wheels it around instead of hanging it on his back. Dude's getting old if he is already wanting to preserve his back. But I love him anyways!

He wanted to make dinner together instead of going out...well that would have been fine if he knew that last night. We went to Menard's tonight to get some door handles for the basement (Jason finally got the stupid handle off!) and then went grocery shopping for our dinner, we had our list and were prepared. We waited in line to pay FOREVER! By the time we got home it would have been past 8 by the time we were eating.....so I made potstickers : ) and we'll make birthday dinner later this week. BUT we still have birthday treats for dessert. I stopped at a local bakery and got a small buffet of dessert to share.

Happy birthday love!!!

house projects

We have been renovating our home since the day Jason bought it, 3 years ago. Finishing the basement has been the longest project. In the last month or so we have really started to see progress, Jason is down stairs putting the first coat of "Gentle Rain" on the walls! We had a tile guy here earlier today working in the bathroom. But where there is renovation there is trouble....tonight for example, I went downstairs to check on the progress of the painting and closed the door behind me as usual to keep our two fur babies out of the basement.

I took a couple pics to send to the parents and went to go back up stairs and was greeted by a locked door! This stupid door knob is on backwards. Apparently the previous owners liked to lock their teenage son in the basement...not sure why else you have a lock on your basement that you lock from the outside. There is no pin hole to unlock on the basement side. So Jason had to use the few tools we had down there, including a paint roller, but just the handle portion and a handle of some other random tool to pound the pins out. We got out a few minutes later. I then spent a half hour watching youtube videos on how to remove old door knobs...this door knob is seriously messed up. We have replaced every door knob upstairs so we're not amateurs at this. I eventually gave up because I had grad school to work on...but instead here I sit typing this.

Jason had a meeting about life insurance at work today... coincidence, nothing to do with the fact that we will be losing our child later this year. Jason was told what life insurance we could have for a child and how much it would cost each month. We are conflicted. This is not something that has even crossed our minds. Money isn't going to solve our grief. Money won't bring my child back. I just got passed the morning sickness portion and am waiting to feel the first movement and we are talking about life insurance...and we can't even use the "what if..." when considering child life insurance because we know "what".

I am 17 weeks pregnant and just want to try to enjoy the pregnancy the best I can.

The mini bump...I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the bump. This was the first day I had worn a semi-tight shirt since I could tell I was starting to show.

Well I suppose I better actually go get some homework done.