January 7th our lives were changed forever. We went to our 12 week ultra sound on that Monday afternoon. My dad had just left our house to go back to MN and my mom was staying a few extra days to help in my classroom. The ultra sound was going great! We could see our baby's legs kicking away and we heard a strong heart beat. The technician handed us 1 photo and said she'd be right back with our OB...we didn't think anything of it because we had an appointment with him after our ultra sound and this is our first pregnancy so we had no idea anything was wrong. The first thing our OB said when he walked into the room..."I'm sorry, I know seeing me isn't a good sign." I remember just staring at our OB wide eyed unable to comprehend what was happening. Then I looked at Jason and he reached out and touched my shoulder and all I wanted to do was get off the table and sit with him and cry...but I had to lay there while they took more pictures of the baby. At one point they turned the screen away so we couldn't see. I started crying not knowing what else to do. The technician was very nice, she finished and said our Dr. would meet us down the hall after I got dressed and wished us good luck with her eyes full of pity. I dried my eyes and cleaned off my stomach avoiding eye contact with Jason the whole time. As soon as I was ready we walked out of the room. I felt like the room was a mile away and all the nurses were staring at us, knowing what we were about to hear. We got into the room and waited maybe a minute before our OB came in. He told us our baby has anacephaly, he told us this kind of anomaly is not compatible with life. I know he kept talking but all I heard was that our baby would not live. That I would not get to be a mom to this baby. We had just finished telling all our family. How could this be happening. He explained that in our ultra sound it showed that our baby does not have a skull from the top of it's eyes to it's neck. Then I vaguely remember him saying that we needed to decide if we wanted to terminate this pregnancy or carry to term knowing that this baby would not live. I just heard my baby's heart beat....I couldn't comprehend what was happening. The OB said something about calling somewhere for us and said to take as much time as we needed. As soon as the door shut and Jason and I made eye contact we fell apart in each others arms. I could not stop crying. After a period of time our OB came back in and told us he had called another OBGYN and made an appointment for us the next day for a second opinion and then he wanted us to come back to him the day after that to discuss everything. The rest of the day is a blur. We went home to my mom, I remember not wanting to open the door to the house. The rest of the day I felt like I had fallen down a rabbit hole and everything was whirling around me.
By Friday we'd told all of our family and had made the decision that we were going to carry this baby as long as God allows us. This is our baby and we are going to love it as long as we can. There is a 75% chance we will carry this baby until our due date, Aug. 3rd and it will end in a still birth. The other 25% is we have the baby prematurely or carry until Aug. 3rd and possibly have a couple hours (could be minutes or maybe days) with our baby.
I am now 16 weeks and am beginning to show. I think I have finally gotten over the morning sickness. Most days we are ok. Some days I come home and cry because I had a thought on my way home. At Christmas time my baby should be 4 months old...Or I think about finding out if we are having a son or a daughter and just knowing that information I am sure I will spiral into some emotional hole.
At the end of the day we are blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who couldn't be more supportive if they tried. I don't know how we would get through this all with out them.
Found this quote on Pinterest.
No comments:
Post a Comment