Party time!

We had Ellie's party on the 9th and it was wonderful! We had close to 70 family and friends come and celebrate Ellie's life. We were blessed with wonderful weather, we were all biting our nails the day before hoping the storms would hold off. We served foods that I have craved during the pregnancy: faux Arby's sandwiches, fruit, chocolate kisses and we had to have some delicious cupcakes! We had a table set up with all of the Ellie box contents and all of the things we have been given through out the pregnancy. We were surprised to learn that people brought gifts. That was not something I had planned for. We are surrounded by so many people who are there for us during this time. I can't tell enough people thank you for everything they have done for us. And I will thank everyone for the gifts they brought to the party when I get some free time. I started another grad class so my summer break has temporarily ended.

Tough moments lately...all of the girls. Jason and I have so many friends that just welcomed little girls or are expecting little girls all within months of Ellie's due date. Some days are easier to hear about those other girls and some days I have no idea how to act because in my mind I am screaming it's not fair. All of these sweet girls are beautiful and have wonderful parents and we don't want them to ever feel like they can't talk to us about their baby or soon to be baby. But the hardest thing is that what you're going through with your little girl we will not get to do with Ellie. We didn't have any baby showers, we don't get to set up a nursery, we aren't excited about our due date. We will never hear Ellie call us mom or dad. We will never know what Ellie will look like in school pictures. And what I realized in the last couple days is that I will always look at these other girls and think about Ellie and how she should be just months younger or older than them. Every milestone these girls will reach I will be sad that Jason and I won't get to watch Ellie reach milestones. As time goes on I hope I will get better with handling these situations.

I went back and forth thinking about deleting that last paragraph...I am sorry if you are reading this and you believe you are one of the parents to one of the girls. I am so happy for you and you deserve to be happy, I apologize if I have upset you in any way.

We are getting closer to our due date and I have so many mixed emotions. I don't even know how to sort them out. I know I need to trust in God and let him take us through how it he intended this to all happen. I don't know why I even think about this, but I am afraid of who will be around me and how to act after Ellie passes away.

It was Father's Day this past Sunday. I couldn't even pick out a card without crying. I walked away from the card selection 3 times. I couldn't decide if I wanted a card from Ellie or from me. You know how some cards are meant to be from certain people? Finally I settled on a card for Jason. I found one that was from Ellie and I. I cried writing in the card. I cried hiding the card. I cried thinking about the card. I cried laying the card on the counter. I cried while Jason opened the card. I am crying typing this. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Everyday is not a good day. But Jason is always my good thing in everyday. Without him I don't know how I would be going through this journey. I am so sad that Jason won't get to be the protective dad to his daughter. He is a wonderful dad to Ellie and I know he will be a wonderful dad to the children we will have in the future, I think he will be an even better dad having gone through this.