But other times I get caught up in the pregnancy conversation and am able to laugh and enjoy sharing stories. Why shouldn't I? I have found sometimes that the fact we are going to lose Ellie doesn't even cross my mind while talking about my pregnancy with other pregnant mothers. For a moment I get to be like any other normal pregnant lady.
Ellie deserves to hear us laugh and joke. Am I going to screw all the "don'ts" of pregnancy because its already as bad as it can be? no. Ellie is alive and well right now, she deserves a healthy environment.
At this point I think we deserve to be happy and to enjoy life while we can, enjoy Ellie while we can. Just because we aren't crying everyday all day doesn't mean we don't love her and aren't thinking of her 24 hours of the day.
Come the end of July, beginning of August, we are going to dig ourselves into 12 foot deep holes and probably not come out for a very long time. The people we have been all of our lives will probably disappear for a while. I can't even imagine the reality of the pain we will feel this summer. So for these next few months we deserve to be happy. I say "we deserve" for myself, not because I am trying to prove a point to someone else.
We are also finding things to look forward to. For example we are going to have a party for Ellie in June. Some people have a hard time understanding why we would want to do that. The only birthday Ellie will have is her BIRTHday. So as parents we decided we want to throw her a party while she is alive. To have as many people near her that love her and want to celebrate her life as possible. That is something that as her parents we are excited about, this is the only party we will get to throw for her.
I think of this quote often when I think of Ellie and her impact on us and everyone surrounding us.