We've been admitted

I went in for my regular Dr appt this afternoon and they were worried I was leaking amniotic fluid. They sent me to the labor and delivery floor at our hospital for a test. My Dr told me if the test came back positive I would be admitted for delivery otherwise infection can set in. We got to the hospital at 6pm and were admitted around 7:30pm. I have not been in a lot of pain just feels like consistent menstral cramps. If there isn't more progress by 2am my Dr will help move delivery along and expects that I'll deliver between 10-12pm on the 9th. 

Emotionally Jason and I are in denial...it hasn't hit us yet. Hoping to get a little sleep tonight but not sure my mind will stop. 

Lots and lots of prayers please!

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize. 

sorry I have been absent

I really don't have anything exciting to share. Well, I am beyond excited that I only have 8.5 days left with students! I am so ready for a brain break. My class has come so far this year I really don't want to start over again next fall. I have been working at grading the ginormous stack of papers that have accumulated over this last trimester.
Since my grad class ended I have finally been able to read for fun. I am currently read the fourth Shopaholic book. It is a cute easy to read serious. My next grad class starts June 17th and is one week long, within that week we compete a 3 credit class. It is a tough week. So I am enjoying as much "fun" reading now while I can.

Ellie girl...
She is riding on a roller coaster inside of me I have decided (just about 30 weeks). One morning recently I was sitting on my couch drinking my coffee when all of a sudden I felt this great wave/whoosh thing roll through my stomach. I decided to flip up my shirt and see if I could see any movement.A few seconds went by and the second roller coaster went by, my whole stomach did the wave. THE weirdest feeling I have ever felt/seen. I went and got in bed wanting to show Jason, of course Ellie decided to take a break at that moment. Now I am obsessed with watching my stomach anytime I feel her move. I can see movement everyday and Jason has been able to see her moving as well.

On the not so fun side of pregnancy...my feet and ankles are so swollen! The swelling used to go down during the night. Well not so much anymore. It got so bad last Friday that I was freaking everyone out at school. They were pushing on my feet, now coined "play dough feet" because when you push on my foot it indents and takes a few seconds to puff back out.  I called my OB's office during lunch and they were a little concerned so they wanted me to come in quickly. They wanted to make sure my blood pressure hadn't rose and that there were no proteins in my urine. Well, all came out fine. They decided that I should start coming every week to check all of my numbers (blood pressure, weight, urine/protein).  I went in again today and all the numbers are good still. We were told early on that with the absence of the skull and all the amniotic fluid that I may retain excess water weight so that is why my feet and ankles are so swollen all the time.

I think that's all I got.

this and that

Take a look at this!!

In case you don't know why you're looking at my legs...yesterday my feet and ankles were very swollen. You couldn't see any bones in my feet, all my toes were squished together and my ankle bones were gone.
Mind you, I had to take my students to the zoo the next day (today) and was already worried about walking all day. I tried some compression socks last night while going to bed...they didn't stay in place so I ended up just taking them off. This morning my ankles looked much better but my feet were still swollen. I decided to jam my blimp feet into my tennis shoes for the field trip and hoped I'd still have circulation in a hour. Well, I got home this afternoon afraid to take my shoes off;  my feet are back to normal!! My ankles and calves are swollen!! You can see the indent line going around my ankles where my shoes stopped. I couldn't believe it.

ah the joys.

The zoo we went today is in Madison, WI which is a long drive for first graders so we took coach buses and brought movies. I don't know who we thought we were kidding, our first graders can't watch a movie for the life of them. They talked through the whole dang thing!! And the conversation of first graders is so...I don't even know the word for it. Example: "oooh look a water tower!!" followed by 49 "oooh a water tower!!, look a water tower!" I didn't know water towers were exciting. And then I hear "Mrs. H! Mrs. H!" What was so exciting?? Walmart. One of my students saw a Walmart. It just cracked me up.

stretched

Holy cow...I don't understand how skin stretches out this far. Today I was walking back to my classroom after dropping the kids off at their buses and I felt like my stomach was going to rip off. It was so uncomfortable feeling. Once I sat down in my classroom with my feet up for a few minutes I felt better. I still have 3 months to go (@ 27 weeks now)! How much further is my poor tummy skin going to stretch?!
Not only is my tummy stretching....my thighs are expanding, my once waist is now "muffin top-esq." I am being a big wimp about the weight gain and body changes. I can handle my tummy bump getting bigger (self-esteem wise) but when the rest of my body begins to change I am not so happy.

ANYWAYS!
It has been quite awhile since I have posted, sorry about that. Now that the weather is warming up I have been spending more time outside and doing things around the house. I seem to be much more motivated to clean and organize when I can have the windows open. I have spent the last 2 weekends outside planting flowers. I think that is how I am "nesting" since I don't have a nursery to be prepping. I am much more motivated this spring when it comes to gardening and concerned about checking the soil everyday.

A week ago J and I met with 8 different people at the hospital I'll be delivering at. Our OB was instrumental in setting up the big meeting. In the end our OB couldn't be there, he got pulled in the OR, oh well. The rest of us went piece by piece through a birth plan. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but I didn't go into that meeting mentally prepared for talking about a birth plan and all that those entail. There were 2 woman from the Haven Network (prenatal hospice), 1 OB that our OB highly respects, 1 neonatal nurse, 1 highly respected nurse from the labor and delivery floor, and 3 admins from the labor and delivery floor. We talked through every little detail. Somethings were easy to decide if we wanted to or not, others we will work through it in the coming months. The conversation went from what kinds of things do we want in our L and D room like books, movies and computers to do we want Ellie to be intabated (spelling?).


*Warning* tearjerker ahead!! If you don't feel like being sad or re-doing your make-up don't read the following paragraph.

The hardest thing we've done lately is drive by the cemetery. We drove in and found the family members that Ellie would be laid near. It was incredibly hard and surreal. It didn't really sink in what we were doing until we sat in front of the exact spot. I continue to remind myself something that my aunt once told me, that's not where Ellie will be, she will be in Heaven. That is very comforting to me. Even with Ellie going to Heaven it is still not where I want her, I want her at our home, alive with us. I know she will be healed in Heaven and happy.

On a happy note I only have 19.5 school days left!! My school doesn't have air-conditioning! It got really warm twice last week and my feet swelled for the first time. It was quite depressing and not comfortable at all. So I am hoping the really warm weather can wait until June 7th. Well actually lets say June 12th or so, then I can get my classroom cleaned up and ready for summer/next fall.


Here is little miss Stella keeping me company while blogging, she is laying on my legs.

morning sickness??

This will be really short but had to share.
So this morning I was feeling a bit nausea's so I had a bowl of cereal...as soon as I finished and walked to the bathroom it came up. I thought I was over this!! Well this bought was so bad I burst blood vessels in my face and neck! I look like I got too much sun over spring break or like I don't know how to do my make-up. Right below my eyebrows look awful! They are bright red. Also below my mouth on either side are dark red and blotchy. My cheeks and neck are scattered with  red freckles.

The joys of pregnancy. I Googled it and looks like it is quite common. Most people say it will go away in 3-4 days, there was one person who said they never went away...

this and that

Sorry I have been terrible at updating my blog!! I am finally on spring break and just got back from MN the other day.

Where to begin... 

My students have been talking about my baby more often now. After I initially told them they were so concerned with sharing who they knew were pregnant and really didn't say anything about me being pregnant; which was fine with me. I can only smile so much when talking about being pregnant. They are now talking about my baby more and asking questions. A couple of my boys have told other adults at my school that I had my baby already, they are quite the crew. One of my very special babies tells adults at school that I am "fat in my belly with a baby". I told him that the baby is a girl right before spring break and now anytime I read a story about a girl he likes to make comments that Mrs. H is having a girl. He also likes to tell me that he wants to see the baby and asks if I can bring the baby to school. Those kind of comments make me smile because he has been so caring about me being pregnant that I am so happy for him and our relationship with how it is growing. He was really tough at the beginning of the year and I was worried how the rest of the year would go. When he asks if he can see her I try to explain to him that I won't have the baby until we are out of school for the summer. He doesn't really understand that statement so the conversation usually ends there. 

Ellie girl is doing wonderful (25 weeks old). She moves the most in the late afternoon and when I am laying in bed going to sleep. She was moving a lot last night as Jason and I were laying in bed so I told Jason to feel and see if he could feel her movements. She was kicking a lot right below my belly button, Jason said he felt it! and then she stopped moving. I like to play Pandora on my phone and put my phones speakers on my tummy to see if Ellie will move and she does! So as Jason was trying to feel her movements I played her a little music and she started moving quickly and Jason was able to feel her again! I was so happy that he could be apart of that. 

We met with the Haven Network yesterday about Ellie. They are a local prenatal hospice group. The woman we met with was wonderful. Her and a photographer from the Haven Network will be at the hospital when I go into labor. They will be there to help comfort, deal with memorabilia, and help dress Ellie for the first time. The photographer will take photos of Ellie, J and I, and family members that are at the hospital with us. We will get a disc with all of the photos (there will be 100's) and then they will choose some of their favorites and professionally edit them for us. The woman told us she will be there for us as often as we want or as little as we want, before Ellie's birth and after. 

We also met with our OB yesterday for our regular appointment. No ultra sound this time, we will again around 33 weeks. J and I had 2 pages of questions we wanted to discuss, our OB was wonderful and answered all of them. The delivery conversation will be on going. He would prefer a vaginal birth because he is looking out for my safety. There are many things to consider with both delivery options; they both have pros and cons. We have another appointment in May and after that we will probably have appointments more frequently. 

I suppose that is enough for now. 

uff-da

uff-da doesn't really do justice to how I feel after this week. My parents were in town for a couple days (which was not part of the uff-da) which was wonderful! My mom was able to help in my classroom for 2 days, so nice to have another adult in the room for a couple days.

So either pregnancy brain is in full swing or this weeks jammed packedness (I know it's not a word, just go with it) momentarily stopped my brain from thinking clearly. Sunday while at the grocery store I forgot my pin...meaning Jason and to bring me a check (our grocery store doesn't take credit). Monday morning I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't fall back asleep...fast forward to 6:40am and I backed into my parents car, Happy Monday to me! I had to get report cards done and finish an assignment for grad school...all on Monday. Tuesday I had so much random paperwork to do at school to get ready for our field trip on Wednesday and then get some stuff together for grad school before leaving for home...only to learn that my homework hadn't properly saved!! err. Made it to class just in time Tuesday. All through class my mind is making a list of what do I still need to do to get ready for the field trip. Wednesday night I had to organize all the random stuff for parent-teacher conferences on Thursday. No time to think!

I made it to Friday!! Along with all of the other junk that was going on my mind kept thinking ahead to Monday  and finding out the gender of our baby...I am so sad and I don't even know why. boy or girl. I will be so sad either way. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like to see our baby again in an ultra sound. I want to look but I am afraid of what I will see. I am afraid of falling apart after learning what the gender is. Knowing if it is a boy or girl is something that just thinking about brings me to tears. 

I have been thinking about the funeral a lot lately. We are half way through the pregnancy and I don't want to have to make a lot of decisions after we lose our baby. I want people to know what we want and how we want it so we don't have to be asked. I want balloons at the funeral...birthday balloons. I want to celebrate the BIRTHday of my baby because we won't get to truly celebrate a birthday. Sometime before the burial of baby I want everyone at the funeral to be able to release a birthday balloon in celebration of our baby. 

I have also been thinking about where we will lay our baby down. I don't have any family buried here and the thought of burying our baby next people I don't know scares me. I know Jason has family here that he loves and misses but I don't know them. It makes me so incredibly sad to have to make that kind of decision. I don't want to hurt other people with that decision but it needs to be something that makes both Jason and I comfortable. 

Ok, wipe my eyes. On to exciting things! Our basement! We are getting so close. Our bathroom is done!! We need 2 glass walls for the shower but we will take care of that a little later. All the doors and closets are in. Majority of the trim is done. Lighting will be finished Monday or Tuesday next week. We will hopefully start carpeting in the 2 weeks or so. I promise I will post pictures soon.  

It's Friday night and not even 7pm and I am exhausted. Story of my life. If someone asked me what my bedtime is...I don't think I can say 9:30 anymore. It is more like 8:30. I miss caffeinated coffee! One cup a day just isn't enough. I have decaf but it just isn't the same. Not to mention I have to be careful how much chocolate I eat...not fun. 

20 weeks

I am sure most moms to be are excited to hit 20 weeks, find out the gender, half way to meeting their baby, wearing more maternity cloths.
All I can say is that I am 20 weeks. I am not excited that I am half way "there". I am not all that excited to be wearing maternity clothes...well at least having them hang in my closet. I think I have moved into the bitter stage of grief. I have amazing people in my life who have been doing amazing things for me and Jason since we found out we are going to lose our baby. There is a group of people that work with my mom that have all contributed way too much money to help me buy maternity clothes. I am beyond grateful and really can't find the words to appropriately thank them. I went shopping last weekend and got quite a few maternity outfits...for the most part I didn't mind the shopping part. I wasn't congratulated a lot, I wasn't asked too many questions about my baby, those things helped. I was able to laugh at myself when I wore true maternity pants for the first time.
The following day I was off from school for a holiday, cleaning out my closet making room for my new clothes was really hard. I was just reminded that I have to clean out my closet and wear maternity clothes but I don't get the end result. There is no happy ending to all of this. I cringe at the thought of someone saying, "well, it'll all be worth it in the end."
I am enjoying watching my tummy grow, that has been kind of fun.

I haven't told my class that I am pregnant yet, tomorrow I will be doing that. This week I have gotten bored of trying to find really lose outfits to hide the bump, so I have been wearing what I want and have been carrying around random objects to hold in front of me.

On the bright side I received two gifts at school today...one from a student and one from a friend. I'll let you guess which is from who...

                                                         toilet paper and Edible Arrangements

Yes, one of my first graders gave me half of a roll of t.p. "Good morning Mrs. H! I brought you something." I had no idea how to respond...I am hoping this is because I told the class we are running low on Kleenex's. 

It's the weekend!

I absolutely love weekends!
I love the routine that Jason and I have developed over the short time of our marriage. Friday's are usually low key (who am I kidding our entire weekends are low key), maybe go out to dinner or cook at home and then watch a movie or catch up on some shows. Be jealous. Saturday's are lazy, sleep in, drink some coffee while watching Ellen (LOVE her) recorded during the week. Saturday afternoons are usually spent cleaning, we each have kind of picked our "jobs" and do the same thing every time. In the evening we run errands or spend time with family or friends. Sundays! I look forward to Sunday mornings all week because of the cinnamon rolls waiting in the refrigerator. When I was growing up I remember eating Pillsbury cinnamon rolls before church every Sunday...I don't know how many years we did that for but it is a memory that I love and have adopted for us. We are trying to be better about going to church...we used to go often. And then school, grad school, house projects got in the way of our relaxing and Sunday mornings just seemed too hard to be motivated to get up and get to church. With the news of our sweet baby we knew we needed God's support/words more than ever and the people's support that we go to church with.  Sunday afternoon is usually lunch with the in-laws and a few friends fro m church. I usually end up grocery shopping late Sunday afternoon and then relax as much as possible before I have to drag out my school bag and figure out what fun activities I can do with my little firsties for the week. Thanks to Pinterest lesson planning has gotten easier and more fun.

This past Thursday marked my 18th week of being pregnant and I have been feeling good lately. I am still wearing my normal clothes. I have been trying really hard to feel the baby's movement. People are giving me all these different things to feel for because at 18 weeks the baby's bones aren't hard enough to physically feel the movement from the outside of my tummy. So every moment of gas, indigestion  nausea I think it's the baby moving : )

This Saturday will be spent writing my final paper for a grad school class that is ending this Tuesday. Jason is downstairs putting another coat of "Gentle Rain" on the walls. And tonight hopefully we'll be having dinner with my in-laws and my oldest brother in-law. It was both Jason and Brett's birthday in the last couple of weeks so it will be a belated celebration. I am hoping my future sister in-law will be joining us. I have only met her once. They are not engaged yet, but I am waiting.... : ) Brett get moving!!

On Friday the belly looked like this.

And the pants looked like this...

I am not ready for maternity pants mentally yet so I am using a hair tie to hold the button closed. Otherwise my normal pants still fit!

Happy weekend!!

P.S. Jason made a comment about finding grammatical errors in my posts...I don't care. If you care about grammatical errors you may not want to continue reading this blog because it will happen again and again. : )

house projects

We have been renovating our home since the day Jason bought it, 3 years ago. Finishing the basement has been the longest project. In the last month or so we have really started to see progress, Jason is down stairs putting the first coat of "Gentle Rain" on the walls! We had a tile guy here earlier today working in the bathroom. But where there is renovation there is trouble....tonight for example, I went downstairs to check on the progress of the painting and closed the door behind me as usual to keep our two fur babies out of the basement.

I took a couple pics to send to the parents and went to go back up stairs and was greeted by a locked door! This stupid door knob is on backwards. Apparently the previous owners liked to lock their teenage son in the basement...not sure why else you have a lock on your basement that you lock from the outside. There is no pin hole to unlock on the basement side. So Jason had to use the few tools we had down there, including a paint roller, but just the handle portion and a handle of some other random tool to pound the pins out. We got out a few minutes later. I then spent a half hour watching youtube videos on how to remove old door knobs...this door knob is seriously messed up. We have replaced every door knob upstairs so we're not amateurs at this. I eventually gave up because I had grad school to work on...but instead here I sit typing this.

Jason had a meeting about life insurance at work today... coincidence, nothing to do with the fact that we will be losing our child later this year. Jason was told what life insurance we could have for a child and how much it would cost each month. We are conflicted. This is not something that has even crossed our minds. Money isn't going to solve our grief. Money won't bring my child back. I just got passed the morning sickness portion and am waiting to feel the first movement and we are talking about life insurance...and we can't even use the "what if..." when considering child life insurance because we know "what".

I am 17 weeks pregnant and just want to try to enjoy the pregnancy the best I can.

The mini bump...I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the bump. This was the first day I had worn a semi-tight shirt since I could tell I was starting to show.

Well I suppose I better actually go get some homework done.