Jason and I have a matching teddy bear to the one Ellie was buried with. I find that I treat it like she (the teddy bear) has feelings, the few times I have been downstairs since coming home from the hospital I find the need to bring her down there. I down want her alone upstairs. I don't go down stairs very often anymore. Jason and I used to spend a lot of time down there, that's where we would watch tv. Now it feels wrong. Watching tv downstairs is what we did when Ellie was alive and kicking inside my tummy. When Jason was at work I would watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and now that feels wrong, that's what I did "before". How can I just go back to it?
We had a Dr appt with our OB today, was more of a mental check up than anything. He is such a kind man, not many other drs could have handled this situation with such grace and compassion. I started crying as soon as he walked in the room. He will always be a physical reminder of the birth of my daughter. I am still wearing my hospital bracelets because they are physical reminders from the one place I have memories of my daughter.
What does it mean to be a mother when you can't feel, see, or hear your child? I feel like I got cheated out of being a mother. I didn't get to change her diaper, feed her or calm her down. I don't have memories of her wiggling or making facial expressions. I don't know if that makes the grief easier or harder. The realization hits me like a wall every now and then, I am a mom. I have a daughter. But I only had her physical body for 24 hours to care for and be protective over. Now I have things to be protective over. I was protective and selfish with every decision we made after we left the hospital, I wanted to know everything that was being done for planning her visitation and funeral because these are the only choices we get to make with her life. And now I have her pictures and all the cards we have been sent to be protective over.
Every day is different. My thoughts, my feelings, my attitude all depend on how I feel right at that moment, every thing can be different 2 minutes later.