Monday, September 2, 2013

a new life

Our lives have changed. I have changed.
Jason and I have come a long way with our grief in the last 2 months (almost). I can't speak for him but I have changed. I am not the same person as I was before Ellie went to Heaven.
I don't judge people as quickly.
I can't sit still for very long.
My patience for ungrateful people is minimal.
I don't laugh as easily.
I don't care for mindless small talk.
As soon as I am not 100% concentrated on something my mind goes to Ellie.
I don't like to be alone if I have nothing to do.
I hate getting out of bed.
I have to wrap my arms around something at night to sleep.
I have a hard time listening to people whine about small things.
Along with so many other small little things.

School started last Monday. It was an incredibly hard day. I was so full of guilt. I was mad I didn't have a baby to juggle in the morning. I had zero confidence in my ability to get 20 first graders excited to learn. I couldn't eat breakfast or drink my coffee. My abdomen was painfully tight with anxiety. This lasted all week long. I was lucky if I slept for 5 hours.
I stress out at the beginning of every school year. Teaching is a huge responsibility, one that I don't take lightly. I want to do things the right way. I want to set my students up for success and you have to start from day 1 or the rest of the year can be incredibly challenging. But all of the things that I described above can not all be from stressing over a new school year.

Night time and in the morning before school are the hardest times. Maybe the anticipation for the day? Maybe knowing I can't sit and mourn all day? Maybe because I expect the worst to happen all of the time? I have no idea why those times are the hardest. But grieving is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know how to go forward each day. I take it minute by minute.

Tonight I wrote out two to the hospital and one to the funeral home. I can't find the words to describe how wrong it is that we have to do that. We have Ellie's social security card. We also have her death certificate. Parents are not supposed to have to deal with both of those things for their children.

* anyone else see the spelling error?