...I don't know

It's July already. I don't know how that happened. My due date is in 24 days. It was changed to July 25th about a month ago.
We had a Dr. appointment last Thursday,well actually we had an ultra sound and the Dr. appt. was rescheduled for tomorrow. Our OB was held up with another mom who was in labor at the hospital and by the time he got us we had to leave because of other appointments. My blood pressure is still low 106/..something, I never remember the bottom #. I have now gained 45 lbs!! Goodness gracious that was tough to type. Majority of it is water weight. My large prego tummy is measuring normal even though Ellie is an itty bitty peanut weighing in at 3lb 6oz or so the ultra sound estimated. So of that 45lbs I have gained only 4 pounds are baby...that does not help my self-esteem. The rest of my large tummy is all water...
My mom told me I look like I am carrying a watermelon that is standing vertical and she is absolutely right, when I look in the mirror that is exactly what it looks like.

My due date may be July 25th but I have a feeling Ellie is going to make us wait. Dr. said he wouldn't let me go beyond Aug. 2nd. So for those of you who are going to be traveling to see us after Ellie is born you can plan your trip around those dates. I joined a couple Facebook groups related to anencephaly and from what I have read most anen babies come early, between 20-30 weeks or they come after their due date. Of course if my blood pressure spikes or if I gain weight rapidly my Dr. will break membranes...which will start labor.

 Now that I am not on my feet for 7 hours a day my feet have been looking a lot better. My calves are definitely large and tender. My legs feel bruised when ever they are pressed because of all the water retention. I had to change the way I get into bed because of how tender my shins are.

I have braxton hicks (fake contractions) every other day if not everyday. They feel exactly like they were described to me, a tightening sensation that rolls through my stomach. They are not painful. Sometimes they happen a few times within an hour.

Now that we know about how much Ellie will weigh I have been shopping a little more seriously...braxton hicks contraction is happening right now... Just thought you'd like to know : )
My mom and I have been shopping online for a couple outfits.
I am having a really hard time with what to bury Ellie in...I see burial gowns online and all I can think is "she will be cold in that" and I don't want her to be cold. I am fully aware she won't be able to feel the cold but I can't seem to accept that. I don't want to pick out what she is going to be buried in, I shouldn't have to. None of this is fair.

The thought of burying Ellie and seeing her for the first time are the two things that bring the most apprehension. Seeing her for the first time... I have no idea how to prepare myself. She is going to be missing  the top of her skull. Covered in a hat or not I will know part of her skull is gone and that will bring me so much pain. All of the unknowns of the birth are very scary and there is nothing anyone can say, because every birth is different. My OB can't tell me exactly what is going to happen or how long Ellie is going to live for.

We weren't able to see Ellie's face in the last ultra sound, the way she was laying her body was casting a shadow over her face. We do know she will have some hair around the back of her head, we were able to see that in the ultra sound. We have pictures of her legs and of her spine. She is still head down and really low.

Sorry the pictures are not of the best quality. The first 3 are her feet and the last 2 are her spine, all of the pictures are taken as though she is sitting up straight, but she is really upside down.

Party time!

We had Ellie's party on the 9th and it was wonderful! We had close to 70 family and friends come and celebrate Ellie's life. We were blessed with wonderful weather, we were all biting our nails the day before hoping the storms would hold off. We served foods that I have craved during the pregnancy: faux Arby's sandwiches, fruit, chocolate kisses and we had to have some delicious cupcakes! We had a table set up with all of the Ellie box contents and all of the things we have been given through out the pregnancy. We were surprised to learn that people brought gifts. That was not something I had planned for. We are surrounded by so many people who are there for us during this time. I can't tell enough people thank you for everything they have done for us. And I will thank everyone for the gifts they brought to the party when I get some free time. I started another grad class so my summer break has temporarily ended.

Tough moments lately...all of the girls. Jason and I have so many friends that just welcomed little girls or are expecting little girls all within months of Ellie's due date. Some days are easier to hear about those other girls and some days I have no idea how to act because in my mind I am screaming it's not fair. All of these sweet girls are beautiful and have wonderful parents and we don't want them to ever feel like they can't talk to us about their baby or soon to be baby. But the hardest thing is that what you're going through with your little girl we will not get to do with Ellie. We didn't have any baby showers, we don't get to set up a nursery, we aren't excited about our due date. We will never hear Ellie call us mom or dad. We will never know what Ellie will look like in school pictures. And what I realized in the last couple days is that I will always look at these other girls and think about Ellie and how she should be just months younger or older than them. Every milestone these girls will reach I will be sad that Jason and I won't get to watch Ellie reach milestones. As time goes on I hope I will get better with handling these situations.

I went back and forth thinking about deleting that last paragraph...I am sorry if you are reading this and you believe you are one of the parents to one of the girls. I am so happy for you and you deserve to be happy, I apologize if I have upset you in any way.

We are getting closer to our due date and I have so many mixed emotions. I don't even know how to sort them out. I know I need to trust in God and let him take us through how it he intended this to all happen. I don't know why I even think about this, but I am afraid of who will be around me and how to act after Ellie passes away.

It was Father's Day this past Sunday. I couldn't even pick out a card without crying. I walked away from the card selection 3 times. I couldn't decide if I wanted a card from Ellie or from me. You know how some cards are meant to be from certain people? Finally I settled on a card for Jason. I found one that was from Ellie and I. I cried writing in the card. I cried hiding the card. I cried thinking about the card. I cried laying the card on the counter. I cried while Jason opened the card. I am crying typing this. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Everyday is not a good day. But Jason is always my good thing in everyday. Without him I don't know how I would be going through this journey. I am so sad that Jason won't get to be the protective dad to his daughter. He is a wonderful dad to Ellie and I know he will be a wonderful dad to the children we will have in the future, I think he will be an even better dad having gone through this.

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize. 

The question no one wants to ask...

As we started telling people about Ellie and anencephaly I am sure they went and did research like we did. And one thing that seems to stick out is that anencephaly could be caused by a lack of folic acid. Moms-to-be are told they need plenty of folic acid to prevent neural tube defects...which anencephaly is.

Some friends and family members were kind and never even mentioned it to me and others kindly talked their way around trying to find out if I had been taking folic acid. Well to answer your question, yes I was. I had a physical done once Jason and I started talking about wanting to try for a baby. My Dr. told me to start taking prenatal vitamins now and continue until you get pregnant and then through the pregnancy. That is exactly what I did. I was taking prenatal vitamins for 5 months before we found out we were pregnant.

Folic acid is not the end all be all to preventing anencephaly. Our OB reassured us over and over again that we did nothing to cause it, it just happens. Some people think anencephaly is caused by genetics and even environment. The truth is no one really knows what causes it.

sorry I have been absent

I really don't have anything exciting to share. Well, I am beyond excited that I only have 8.5 days left with students! I am so ready for a brain break. My class has come so far this year I really don't want to start over again next fall. I have been working at grading the ginormous stack of papers that have accumulated over this last trimester.
Since my grad class ended I have finally been able to read for fun. I am currently read the fourth Shopaholic book. It is a cute easy to read serious. My next grad class starts June 17th and is one week long, within that week we compete a 3 credit class. It is a tough week. So I am enjoying as much "fun" reading now while I can.

Ellie girl...
She is riding on a roller coaster inside of me I have decided (just about 30 weeks). One morning recently I was sitting on my couch drinking my coffee when all of a sudden I felt this great wave/whoosh thing roll through my stomach. I decided to flip up my shirt and see if I could see any movement.A few seconds went by and the second roller coaster went by, my whole stomach did the wave. THE weirdest feeling I have ever felt/seen. I went and got in bed wanting to show Jason, of course Ellie decided to take a break at that moment. Now I am obsessed with watching my stomach anytime I feel her move. I can see movement everyday and Jason has been able to see her moving as well.

On the not so fun side of pregnancy...my feet and ankles are so swollen! The swelling used to go down during the night. Well not so much anymore. It got so bad last Friday that I was freaking everyone out at school. They were pushing on my feet, now coined "play dough feet" because when you push on my foot it indents and takes a few seconds to puff back out.  I called my OB's office during lunch and they were a little concerned so they wanted me to come in quickly. They wanted to make sure my blood pressure hadn't rose and that there were no proteins in my urine. Well, all came out fine. They decided that I should start coming every week to check all of my numbers (blood pressure, weight, urine/protein).  I went in again today and all the numbers are good still. We were told early on that with the absence of the skull and all the amniotic fluid that I may retain excess water weight so that is why my feet and ankles are so swollen all the time.

I think that's all I got.

this and that

Take a look at this!!

In case you don't know why you're looking at my legs...yesterday my feet and ankles were very swollen. You couldn't see any bones in my feet, all my toes were squished together and my ankle bones were gone.
Mind you, I had to take my students to the zoo the next day (today) and was already worried about walking all day. I tried some compression socks last night while going to bed...they didn't stay in place so I ended up just taking them off. This morning my ankles looked much better but my feet were still swollen. I decided to jam my blimp feet into my tennis shoes for the field trip and hoped I'd still have circulation in a hour. Well, I got home this afternoon afraid to take my shoes off;  my feet are back to normal!! My ankles and calves are swollen!! You can see the indent line going around my ankles where my shoes stopped. I couldn't believe it.

ah the joys.

The zoo we went today is in Madison, WI which is a long drive for first graders so we took coach buses and brought movies. I don't know who we thought we were kidding, our first graders can't watch a movie for the life of them. They talked through the whole dang thing!! And the conversation of first graders is so...I don't even know the word for it. Example: "oooh look a water tower!!" followed by 49 "oooh a water tower!!, look a water tower!" I didn't know water towers were exciting. And then I hear "Mrs. H! Mrs. H!" What was so exciting?? Walmart. One of my students saw a Walmart. It just cracked me up.

stretched

Holy cow...I don't understand how skin stretches out this far. Today I was walking back to my classroom after dropping the kids off at their buses and I felt like my stomach was going to rip off. It was so uncomfortable feeling. Once I sat down in my classroom with my feet up for a few minutes I felt better. I still have 3 months to go (@ 27 weeks now)! How much further is my poor tummy skin going to stretch?!
Not only is my tummy stretching....my thighs are expanding, my once waist is now "muffin top-esq." I am being a big wimp about the weight gain and body changes. I can handle my tummy bump getting bigger (self-esteem wise) but when the rest of my body begins to change I am not so happy.

ANYWAYS!
It has been quite awhile since I have posted, sorry about that. Now that the weather is warming up I have been spending more time outside and doing things around the house. I seem to be much more motivated to clean and organize when I can have the windows open. I have spent the last 2 weekends outside planting flowers. I think that is how I am "nesting" since I don't have a nursery to be prepping. I am much more motivated this spring when it comes to gardening and concerned about checking the soil everyday.

A week ago J and I met with 8 different people at the hospital I'll be delivering at. Our OB was instrumental in setting up the big meeting. In the end our OB couldn't be there, he got pulled in the OR, oh well. The rest of us went piece by piece through a birth plan. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but I didn't go into that meeting mentally prepared for talking about a birth plan and all that those entail. There were 2 woman from the Haven Network (prenatal hospice), 1 OB that our OB highly respects, 1 neonatal nurse, 1 highly respected nurse from the labor and delivery floor, and 3 admins from the labor and delivery floor. We talked through every little detail. Somethings were easy to decide if we wanted to or not, others we will work through it in the coming months. The conversation went from what kinds of things do we want in our L and D room like books, movies and computers to do we want Ellie to be intabated (spelling?).


*Warning* tearjerker ahead!! If you don't feel like being sad or re-doing your make-up don't read the following paragraph.

The hardest thing we've done lately is drive by the cemetery. We drove in and found the family members that Ellie would be laid near. It was incredibly hard and surreal. It didn't really sink in what we were doing until we sat in front of the exact spot. I continue to remind myself something that my aunt once told me, that's not where Ellie will be, she will be in Heaven. That is very comforting to me. Even with Ellie going to Heaven it is still not where I want her, I want her at our home, alive with us. I know she will be healed in Heaven and happy.

On a happy note I only have 19.5 school days left!! My school doesn't have air-conditioning! It got really warm twice last week and my feet swelled for the first time. It was quite depressing and not comfortable at all. So I am hoping the really warm weather can wait until June 7th. Well actually lets say June 12th or so, then I can get my classroom cleaned up and ready for summer/next fall.


Here is little miss Stella keeping me company while blogging, she is laying on my legs.