I teach first grade and have absolutely no time during the school day to think about myself. When I had morning sickness that lasted all day long, that was hard to ignore. But these days as the morning sickness has begun to subside I find that I am fully capable of going about my day and be just fine. Even though I am fully aware of the sweet life growing inside of me and that, that sweet sweet life is going to be painfully too short. Strength or denial?
My clothes don't fit the same way anymore at 17 weeks. People are starting to say they can see a bump. I can see the bump... I text a picture of my bare bump to my mom this past weekend, I was sad that I had to text her inside of being able to show her. One of the many reasons moving away from all my family is hard. My mom will call and update me on things friends and family are saying and doing after hearing about our baby. 99% of the time I cry just knowing someone else knows or is doing something incredibly kind just because they are sad for us. Then I can hang up the phone and go to Home Depot with hubby and pick out paint colors like nothing is wrong.
Strength or denial?
Driving seems to be my minds time to play an emotional game with me. Especially on my way home from work. 3/5 days coming home from work I will end up at home in tears. I start thinking about the memorial service...I don't want to have a memorial service for my child. I don't want to pick out a casket for my child, my newborn child. I am slightly angry about that reality, but that is my reality. Once I get home and have a snack and start to watch a show....life is normal again. I can find a snack and call a friend as if it was any other day.
Strength or denial?
I am working on my masters, I actually had class tonight. I am getting my Reading Specialist license. I have been with the same cohort since June and have really enjoyed all of the woman and getting to know them. Since my clothes are starting to stretch at the seems I thought tonight would be a good night to share with those ladies that I am pregnant and then tell them our sweet baby's story. I sat surrounded by 4 ladies that I teach with, all crying with me. I am so blessed to be able to work with woman who are sympathetic and yet strong for me. They don't look at me with pity in their eyes. They ask me questions about the baby and how I am doing, there is no side stepping the issue. And I love them for that. As for the rest of the cohort, they were all so quiet as I told them my story. Most of them in tears by the end, not my goal. A few even spoke up words of encouragement. If I was in their shoes and were listening to me I wouldn't have had a clue what to say to me. It means a lot to me that they stopped packing up their bags at 8:30 and sat and cried with me and offered me prayers and hugs.
Most days I don't know if I am denying my reality or haven't really excepted what is going to happen. I feel like I can go about daily life too easy. Or is it truly strength?? I have so many people praying for me and thinking of me. So many people thinking of Jason and praying for him. I am so blessed to have Jason as my husband. I don't know how I would be dealing if I didn't have his shoulder to lean against every day.
I found this quote on Pinterest a couple weeks ago....
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