Thursday, January 8, 2015

January 7th

Two years ago my entire world changed. Two years ago Jason and I went to our 12 week ultra sound to check up on our first little babe. We left that appointment with the word "anencephaly" and a decision to either terminate or carry our baby to term even though she had an "incompatible with life" diagnosis. We spent the following week in complete...there is no word. We were shocked, sad, angry, confused, with a never ending gut wrenching pain. We are Christians and the choice should have been instantaneous. But it wasn't. We had more whispered hushed conversations than we have ever had in the following week. We talked about termination and carrying. Either way was impossible. I have always been prolife. I wrote papers on it high school. This baby was wanted. How could we terminate this baby? She had a strong heart beat at the ultra sound. How could I carry this baby knowing she was going to die either while in my tummy or shortly after birth?? I am a very sensitive/emotional person. Surely carrying a baby who was going to die would send me in to a deep depression. I swerve to avoid hitting squirrels, I can't watch animals get hurt on TV. How could I walk around with a pregnant belly and feel my baby kick and move knowing what I knew? 

Our ultrasound was on a Monday and we made our decision to carry our baby on Thursday. I was overcome with a wave of relief when I spoke my choice out loud. I was terrified but my body immediately relaxed and my stomache didn't have a gut wrenching pain anymore. We had made the right choice for us. The following six months were a roller coaster of emotions. But we got through it with the help of our family, friends, and counseling. Jason and I had a strong partnership throughout the whole pregnancy. 

Talking about our baby helped a lot. I needed people to recognize we were going to have a child and that we were going to be parents. But I dreaded the pity looks and the cocked heads when people would mention our baby. Still to this day I appreciate matter of fact conversations about Ellie. I don't want or need pity or treating our baby like she is this cloud of sadness. I need people to recognize that I am a mother to a daughter. Talk to me about my daughter like you talk to others about their children, no puppy eyes, no cocked heads, ask about holiday traditions, ask about birthday plans. I was once referred to has a "young, cute girl, with no children" and that is why I was treated a certain way in a specific situation...this person knew about Ellie, I was speechless and was probably the closest I have come to slapping someone. "No children" rang in my ears. I have a daughter, she is in Heaven but I have children/a child. Treating me like I don't have children is my biggest pet peeve. 

Two years later I can talk about Ellie and smile. I have no idea how we made it through her birth and funeral without digging ourselves into a dark hole. But we did. And we are stronger because of Ellie. We have photos of her in almost every room of the house. We still have Mercy the matching teddy bear  to the one Ellie was buried with on our bed. It makes me feel like a part of Ellie is here with us. 
2013 was filled with trauma, 2014 frustration, I look forward to what 2015 brings. 

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