1 month

I can't believe Ellie would be 1 month today. Ellie is our first so I really don't know what we're missing out on... But I know we are missing out. Missing Ellie. 

I still look at her pictures every time I sit in the living room. Most of the time I look at them and smile, thinking how cute she is, how small she is, how obsessed with her I am. 

I take watering her flowers as serious as I would feeding Ellie. I am disappointed when I come and they don't need to be watered. It's those little things that are the only things I can do for Ellie. Being  protective over her pictures, is like keeping a secret between my daughter and I. 

Happy 1 month birthday Ellie! 

I love you! 

Today is also one of my best friends wedding day! I get to stand beside her as she marries a wonderful man. 

2 weeks

At 6:53pm today it has been 2 weeks since our baby girl forever changed our lives. This has been the longest and the shortest 2 weeks of my life. I say the shortest because I don't want the days to pass, I want to be back sitting in the hospital with my daughter. I don't want to forget one detail of the 24 hours we were able to cuddle her. 

Jason and I have a matching teddy bear to the one Ellie was buried with. I find that I treat it like she (the teddy bear) has feelings, the few times I have been downstairs since coming home from the hospital I find the need to bring her down there. I down want her alone upstairs. I don't go down stairs very often anymore. Jason and I used to spend a lot of time down there, that's where we would watch tv. Now it feels wrong. Watching tv downstairs is what we did when Ellie was alive and kicking inside my tummy. When Jason was at work I would watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and now that feels wrong, that's what I did "before". How can I just go back to it?

We had a Dr appt with our OB today, was more of a mental check up than anything. He is such a kind man, not many other drs could have handled this situation with such grace and compassion. I started crying as soon as he walked in the room. He will always be a physical reminder of the birth of my daughter. I am still wearing my hospital bracelets because they are physical reminders from the one place I have memories of my daughter. 

What does it mean to be a mother when you can't feel, see, or hear your child? I feel like I got cheated out of being a mother. I didn't get to change her diaper, feed her or calm her down. I don't have memories of her wiggling or making facial expressions. I don't know if that makes the grief easier or harder.  The realization hits me like a wall every now and then, I am a mom. I have a daughter. But I only had her physical body for 24 hours to care for and be protective over. Now I have things to be protective over. I was protective and selfish with every decision we made after we left the hospital, I wanted to know everything that was being done for planning her visitation and funeral because these are the only choices we get to make with her life. And now I have her pictures and all the cards we have been sent to be protective over.

Every day is different. My thoughts, my feelings, my attitude all depend on how I feel right at that moment, every thing can be different 2 minutes later. 

grief

Since January 7th we have been grieving. Then we started grieving all over again on July 9th. Ellie's name is said a 1,000 times an hour in my head. Sometimes it's just her name other times it goes along with a prayer or a memory.
Jason and I grieve differently, the difference between being a man and woman, dad and mom, didn't carry the baby and carried the baby.
I have the physical pain of wanting to feel Ellie kick inside of me. I feel like I am re-learning how to be in a non-pregnant body. I forget I can bend over or try to put on other shoes other than the flip flops I wore for the last month.
The Haven Network gave us a pink baby album with black and white edited photos that I keep in our living room. I can't sit in that room and not look at the photos. There is a picture of Ellie lying on her side with her hands folded together under her chin and she is staring so innocently at the camera and I instinctively rub her cheeks every time I look at that photo. I so badly want to feel her chubby cheeks again. Or wrap her fingers around my thumbs.

I posted this article shortly before Ellie made her grand entrance into the world...
family and friends

The anxiety and awkwardness of social situations is dead on in that article. Days after Ellie passed away Jason called to ask me if I wanted to get together with a group of people and tears immediately filled my eyes. My stomach tightened and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. Since then I have not had such an intense reaction to seeing and being with other people. The intensity of anxiousness is different every other minute. I never know how I am going to feel or when the feeling is going to change to some thing more bearable.
I am ok with being around other people. But I don't feel like myself, like I used to. It feels wrong to be out of the house, to be making small talk, to be smiling. It is so uncomfortable to watch family, friends and even strangers go on with life so easily. Don't they know what happened 11 short days ago?

I am not telling you all of this so that someone can say the perfect words to make those feelings go away. I know that I am allowed to grieve how ever I need to and for how ever long I need to.

I don't cry every day. Ambien helps me sleep. And my husband makes me laugh everyday.

I have been asked if I will continue blogging... I will, but it will take awhile to figure why I am blogging now and what to write about. Before it was to keep my far away family and friends in the know about my pregnancy. And now...I don't want this to become post after post of depressing grief.

I love talking about Ellie. I love looking at her pictures. I even like talking about the hospital stay and labor. Maybe someday I'll share more details about labor and delivery. I will share one little detail now, our wee little daughter was 3lbs 6oz at birth, I gained nearly 50lbs...we were told early on in the pregnancy that I would retain excess water weight. They were NOT kidding. My OB had to break my water...I lost 3 liters of fluids in one fallow swoop. Imagine if my water had broke in the middle of Target...

an unbearable pain

I read this article before Ellie was born and read it again today to remind myself why I didn't fail as a mother.

Ellie is beautiful!

Ellie Martin Holmertz was born July 9th at   6:53pm. She took a few breaths and then went to live with our Heavenly Father. She weighs 3lbs 6oz, exactly what our last ultra sound estimated. She is 15 1/2 inches long. 

Jason and I were speechless when she was placed in our arms just filled with overwhelming love. She was baptized by a loved family friend, the same pastor that married Jason and I just over two years ago. 

Ellie has beautiful long eye lashes. A cute button nose and perfectly shaped lips. She has dark wavy hair on the back of her head. Ellie's hands and feet were perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes, she had beautiful fingers with long nails. Her feet were long and gorgeous. Her skin is so soft and covered in a light blonde peach fuzz. 

Labor was slow, started around 6pm on the 8th. Once I was ready and actual delivery started Ellie was here quickly. Ellie was a true girl after birth and we played dress up for her photo shoot. We will be keeping pictures to ourselves for a bit and will share when we're ready.

Ellie spent the night in our room and we have been cuddling her all day. 

Thank you so much for all the prayers and the out pour of love. We can't return all the messages we have received but we have read or listened to every one of them. 

We've been admitted

I went in for my regular Dr appt this afternoon and they were worried I was leaking amniotic fluid. They sent me to the labor and delivery floor at our hospital for a test. My Dr told me if the test came back positive I would be admitted for delivery otherwise infection can set in. We got to the hospital at 6pm and were admitted around 7:30pm. I have not been in a lot of pain just feels like consistent menstral cramps. If there isn't more progress by 2am my Dr will help move delivery along and expects that I'll deliver between 10-12pm on the 9th. 

Emotionally Jason and I are in denial...it hasn't hit us yet. Hoping to get a little sleep tonight but not sure my mind will stop. 

Lots and lots of prayers please!

Quick thought

A woman posted this link on an anencephaly Facebook group and I thought it would be good to share. 

Not sure how Jason and I will be later but I agreed with everything up until this point. 

http://reconceivingloss.com/information-for-friends-and-family-of-the-bereaved-talking-about-pregnancy-loss/