an unbearable pain

I read this article before Ellie was born and read it again today to remind myself why I didn't fail as a mother.

Ellie is beautiful!

Ellie Martin Holmertz was born July 9th at   6:53pm. She took a few breaths and then went to live with our Heavenly Father. She weighs 3lbs 6oz, exactly what our last ultra sound estimated. She is 15 1/2 inches long. 

Jason and I were speechless when she was placed in our arms just filled with overwhelming love. She was baptized by a loved family friend, the same pastor that married Jason and I just over two years ago. 

Ellie has beautiful long eye lashes. A cute button nose and perfectly shaped lips. She has dark wavy hair on the back of her head. Ellie's hands and feet were perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes, she had beautiful fingers with long nails. Her feet were long and gorgeous. Her skin is so soft and covered in a light blonde peach fuzz. 

Labor was slow, started around 6pm on the 8th. Once I was ready and actual delivery started Ellie was here quickly. Ellie was a true girl after birth and we played dress up for her photo shoot. We will be keeping pictures to ourselves for a bit and will share when we're ready.

Ellie spent the night in our room and we have been cuddling her all day. 

Thank you so much for all the prayers and the out pour of love. We can't return all the messages we have received but we have read or listened to every one of them. 

We've been admitted

I went in for my regular Dr appt this afternoon and they were worried I was leaking amniotic fluid. They sent me to the labor and delivery floor at our hospital for a test. My Dr told me if the test came back positive I would be admitted for delivery otherwise infection can set in. We got to the hospital at 6pm and were admitted around 7:30pm. I have not been in a lot of pain just feels like consistent menstral cramps. If there isn't more progress by 2am my Dr will help move delivery along and expects that I'll deliver between 10-12pm on the 9th. 

Emotionally Jason and I are in denial...it hasn't hit us yet. Hoping to get a little sleep tonight but not sure my mind will stop. 

Lots and lots of prayers please!

Quick thought

A woman posted this link on an anencephaly Facebook group and I thought it would be good to share. 

Not sure how Jason and I will be later but I agreed with everything up until this point. 

http://reconceivingloss.com/information-for-friends-and-family-of-the-bereaved-talking-about-pregnancy-loss/

...I don't know

It's July already. I don't know how that happened. My due date is in 24 days. It was changed to July 25th about a month ago.
We had a Dr. appointment last Thursday,well actually we had an ultra sound and the Dr. appt. was rescheduled for tomorrow. Our OB was held up with another mom who was in labor at the hospital and by the time he got us we had to leave because of other appointments. My blood pressure is still low 106/..something, I never remember the bottom #. I have now gained 45 lbs!! Goodness gracious that was tough to type. Majority of it is water weight. My large prego tummy is measuring normal even though Ellie is an itty bitty peanut weighing in at 3lb 6oz or so the ultra sound estimated. So of that 45lbs I have gained only 4 pounds are baby...that does not help my self-esteem. The rest of my large tummy is all water...
My mom told me I look like I am carrying a watermelon that is standing vertical and she is absolutely right, when I look in the mirror that is exactly what it looks like.

My due date may be July 25th but I have a feeling Ellie is going to make us wait. Dr. said he wouldn't let me go beyond Aug. 2nd. So for those of you who are going to be traveling to see us after Ellie is born you can plan your trip around those dates. I joined a couple Facebook groups related to anencephaly and from what I have read most anen babies come early, between 20-30 weeks or they come after their due date. Of course if my blood pressure spikes or if I gain weight rapidly my Dr. will break membranes...which will start labor.

 Now that I am not on my feet for 7 hours a day my feet have been looking a lot better. My calves are definitely large and tender. My legs feel bruised when ever they are pressed because of all the water retention. I had to change the way I get into bed because of how tender my shins are.

I have braxton hicks (fake contractions) every other day if not everyday. They feel exactly like they were described to me, a tightening sensation that rolls through my stomach. They are not painful. Sometimes they happen a few times within an hour.

Now that we know about how much Ellie will weigh I have been shopping a little more seriously...braxton hicks contraction is happening right now... Just thought you'd like to know : )
My mom and I have been shopping online for a couple outfits.
I am having a really hard time with what to bury Ellie in...I see burial gowns online and all I can think is "she will be cold in that" and I don't want her to be cold. I am fully aware she won't be able to feel the cold but I can't seem to accept that. I don't want to pick out what she is going to be buried in, I shouldn't have to. None of this is fair.

The thought of burying Ellie and seeing her for the first time are the two things that bring the most apprehension. Seeing her for the first time... I have no idea how to prepare myself. She is going to be missing  the top of her skull. Covered in a hat or not I will know part of her skull is gone and that will bring me so much pain. All of the unknowns of the birth are very scary and there is nothing anyone can say, because every birth is different. My OB can't tell me exactly what is going to happen or how long Ellie is going to live for.

We weren't able to see Ellie's face in the last ultra sound, the way she was laying her body was casting a shadow over her face. We do know she will have some hair around the back of her head, we were able to see that in the ultra sound. We have pictures of her legs and of her spine. She is still head down and really low.

Sorry the pictures are not of the best quality. The first 3 are her feet and the last 2 are her spine, all of the pictures are taken as though she is sitting up straight, but she is really upside down.

Party time!

We had Ellie's party on the 9th and it was wonderful! We had close to 70 family and friends come and celebrate Ellie's life. We were blessed with wonderful weather, we were all biting our nails the day before hoping the storms would hold off. We served foods that I have craved during the pregnancy: faux Arby's sandwiches, fruit, chocolate kisses and we had to have some delicious cupcakes! We had a table set up with all of the Ellie box contents and all of the things we have been given through out the pregnancy. We were surprised to learn that people brought gifts. That was not something I had planned for. We are surrounded by so many people who are there for us during this time. I can't tell enough people thank you for everything they have done for us. And I will thank everyone for the gifts they brought to the party when I get some free time. I started another grad class so my summer break has temporarily ended.

Tough moments lately...all of the girls. Jason and I have so many friends that just welcomed little girls or are expecting little girls all within months of Ellie's due date. Some days are easier to hear about those other girls and some days I have no idea how to act because in my mind I am screaming it's not fair. All of these sweet girls are beautiful and have wonderful parents and we don't want them to ever feel like they can't talk to us about their baby or soon to be baby. But the hardest thing is that what you're going through with your little girl we will not get to do with Ellie. We didn't have any baby showers, we don't get to set up a nursery, we aren't excited about our due date. We will never hear Ellie call us mom or dad. We will never know what Ellie will look like in school pictures. And what I realized in the last couple days is that I will always look at these other girls and think about Ellie and how she should be just months younger or older than them. Every milestone these girls will reach I will be sad that Jason and I won't get to watch Ellie reach milestones. As time goes on I hope I will get better with handling these situations.

I went back and forth thinking about deleting that last paragraph...I am sorry if you are reading this and you believe you are one of the parents to one of the girls. I am so happy for you and you deserve to be happy, I apologize if I have upset you in any way.

We are getting closer to our due date and I have so many mixed emotions. I don't even know how to sort them out. I know I need to trust in God and let him take us through how it he intended this to all happen. I don't know why I even think about this, but I am afraid of who will be around me and how to act after Ellie passes away.

It was Father's Day this past Sunday. I couldn't even pick out a card without crying. I walked away from the card selection 3 times. I couldn't decide if I wanted a card from Ellie or from me. You know how some cards are meant to be from certain people? Finally I settled on a card for Jason. I found one that was from Ellie and I. I cried writing in the card. I cried hiding the card. I cried thinking about the card. I cried laying the card on the counter. I cried while Jason opened the card. I am crying typing this. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Everyday is not a good day. But Jason is always my good thing in everyday. Without him I don't know how I would be going through this journey. I am so sad that Jason won't get to be the protective dad to his daughter. He is a wonderful dad to Ellie and I know he will be a wonderful dad to the children we will have in the future, I think he will be an even better dad having gone through this.

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize.