Ellie's birth story

Last year on this day at 3:15pm I had an OB appointment, it was just a normal check up. However, earlier that morning I experienced some cough leaking cough and thought I would call my OB and just give him a heads up. I had done this once before maybe a few weeks prior. The previous time they blamed it on a weak bladder, super. On July 8th at 3:15 I went to the appointment on my own (the ONLY appointment Jason missed) they did their test to determine if I was leaking amniotic fluid and then my nurse practitioner was gone for a LONG time. Finally, she came back in and said she could see something on the slide and she wanted my OB to look at and it would be just a little longer. Eventually both my OB and nurse practitioner came back into the room together...they saw a small pattern that indicated I could be leaking amniotic fluid and if that was the case it could lead to an infection. So my OB told me he wanted me to go to the hospital to the Labor and Delivery floor for a test, just to be sure. He then informed me if it is positive I would be admitted and Ellie would be delivered. That was about the time my heart started to race and my eyes immediately welled with tears. I hugged my nurse practitioner and left as calmly as I could. I was going to go home and pack. I called Jason on my way home and told him we needed to pack and head to the hospital, turned out Jason was already at home, perfect. I call my mom next, she didn't answer. So I called my dad, he answered! I gave him the low down and he said he'd get mom and they would pack and then wait to hear the results of the test and decide when they would make the 5 1/2 hour drive. In my head I was willing Ellie to not be born until they got to the hospital.

Once I got home Jason and I packed, pretty calmly too. We got to the hospital around 6pm (give or take). We were then put in a triage room with another couple who was waiting to go for their c-section, completely opposite emotions going on in that room. We sat in that triage room for what seemed like forever. Finally I was given the test and then had to wait for the results. I text my parents to let them know we were waiting for results, they informed me they couldn't sit at home anymore and were on their way to the hospital. YAY!! That was exactly what I needed to hear. Jason and I were very calm and quiet as we waited. I remember laying my head back and praying to God to give me the strength to get through this and telling him that if this is his timing then I am ok with that. I think I did that 3 or 4 times as we waited for the results. Finally the nurse came back in, it was positive, we were being admitted and Ellie would be delivered that night or tomorrow. It was now about 7pm. 

Eventually we were brought to our room, a large corner room. This room was at the end of the L and D floor, as far away from the nursery as possible. This was purposeful. The timeline gets a little fuzzy now for me. Jason parents got there sometime between the triage room and being moved to our room. One of my best friends informed she was in the waiting room, because she just needed to be there. My parents got there around midnight, I think. Both of Jason's brothers were there, and with cupcakes! Unfortunately, I was informed in the triage room I couldn't eat anything. I was bitter about that for a long time. I didn't even get to eat dinner. When the nurse asked me if I wanted juice I was so exited for something besides water and ice chips. 

My labor was very slow moving, I was having contractions but they didn't feel much more than menstrual cramps, and mild ones at that. Everyone went home sometime in the wee hours of July 9th. Again, my time line is a little fuzzy now so I will do my best to account the events of July 9th. Jason and I did our best to get some sleep. I don't know how they expect that when you're connected to a bunch of IV's and a baby heart rate monitor. Through out the night/morning I think 3 or 4 different machines decided to make awful alarm/beeping noises that the nurses had to come in and fix. Not getting much sleep here. Around 9 or so in the morning on the 9th our parents came back. At some point (could have been before parents came) in the morning my OB came in to "check me" essentially to check  how dilated I was at that point. I believe I was only at 1 or something like that. So he decided to start  me on pitocin, to help move things along a little faster and he estimated I would deliver sometime late that afternoon. My water has not broken at this point. If I continued to progress slowly he was going to strip membranes (break my water). Jason and I were very calm and trying to enjoy the process, as scary as it was to deliver Ellie and know that we would say good bye shortly after, we were going to meet our daughter!

Throughout the morning and early afternoon many friends and family came to visit and pretty much just hang out until it was time to deliver. The Haven Network was on standby, we had called them the night before saying we were admitted. At some point my contractions started to be a little more real...painful. I was still smiling and talking with people but it got to the point where I was gripping the sides of my bed and having to stop talking until the contraction was over. My nurse asked about the epidural, I didn't want to get it too early not be able to get out of bed. She told me 3 people were ahead of me to get their epidural and that could take a couple hours so she recommended I "get in line".

 I want to guess the epidural people (what are they called?) came around 2pm. The nurses had all of our visitors leave the room. They had me sit up on the side of the bed and hang my legs off. They started to lay out their tools and needles next to me on the bed. I was too scared to look. Jason of course watched the whole thing. Eventually they were ready and told me to hunch over my tummy. They started to feel my lower spine with their fingers and then the woman asked the other one, "can you find a good spot?". I am completely aware of everything going on around me. I am so nervous and sweating. I look down at my toes and remember thinking, I am glad I got a pedicure. One of the women asks me, "have you had issues with scoliosis?" "NO!, I am not level on the bed if that matters!" Oh my gosh! Why would they bring up scoliosis at a time like this? I scooted around the bed until my butt was level, no sheets in the way and I wasn't sitting in a crease where the bed can fold up.  Then the women found a spot on my back and told me to hunch over, pretty much have the worst possible posture you can. Ok, let me remind you of this, I was so full of fluid! My stomach was huge even though Ellie was tiny. There was no hunching over! My labor nurse was so nice and sweet, she talked to me calmly and then gave me a pillow to hug and lean onto, my nurse then pushed my shoulders down for me, ouch! I was so uncomfortable, and they hadn't even started with the needle. Eventually I had bad enough posture they could start. I wanted to cry, it hurt so bad. The blood pressure machine was down by my feet, I watched my blood pressure rise throughout the whole process. They finished with the needle and then couldn't get the tube in!!! They decided they had to do it again down lower. I had to do the whole painful process over again. Finally, it was over.

All our visitors came back in for a little while. Maybe around 3 Jason and I decided we were going to rest and try to take naps. Around 4pm my OB came back to "check me" and decided he needed to strip my membranes. Again, remember I am so full of fluid. My OB sits in a chair and puts on these blue scrub boots that pretty much come up to his knees. Due to the nature of our pregnancy everything was done in one room. So I wasn't wheeled by healthy babies being born. My OB sat on the end of my bed and broke my water...things then turned a little freaky. I was then sitting in a pool and could hear the waterfall of water start to pour off the bed and onto the floor. Oh my goodness! Jason and I just looked at each other like what is happening. Both Jason and I could see my stomach shrinking in size. At one point my labor nurse took one of those pink kidney bowls and started scooping bowls of water off my bed and poured them into the sink. I finally asked my OB if this amount of fluid was normal, he kind of stunned said no. By the end of it, he estimated I lost 3 liters of fluid, 3X the normal amount. He said things are going to move faster now. We had our family in one more time. 

Around 6pm my OB checked me again and said I was at 10 and it was time to get The Haven Network here. I remember throwing my heads up to my face and I started to cry. 9 months of carrying Ellie and now was the time that I was scared to death of. All of our family and friends were waiting in the hallway from 6ish to after Ellie was born.

This picture was taken by The Haven Network when they arrived.

The Haven Network got there around 6:30 or so, and again I started to cry as soon as they walked into the room, they cried right along with me. I didn't take any birthing classes so my labor nurse walked me through it very calmly. I didn't push for long. Ellie was born at 6:53pm. She was cleaned off and a hat was put on her head, she had a partial heart beat at that point. She was handed to me and then our parents were called in. Then very quickly our family friend and pastor was called in to baptize Ellie.

Afterwards Ellie was handed back to me and my nurse checked her heart beat, Ellie had passed away. And we all cried.  Ellie was beautiful. She was 15 1/2 inches long, her hands and feet were large. She weighed 3 lbs and 6 oz.

 I had gotten quite a few outfits for Ellie so we were able to get her dressed and call in all of our friends to spend some time with Ellie.

Jason and I spent another night in the hospital and continued to spend time with Ellie. 

I love talking about her birth story and my pregnancy because I get to talk about Ellie. 

October 15th

Since my Tuesdays are full of first graders and grad school I am spending tonight looking through our hundreds of Ellie photos with my candle burning.

This picture takes my breath away, everyone waiting for Ellie to make her grand entrance.

a new life

Our lives have changed. I have changed.
Jason and I have come a long way with our grief in the last 2 months (almost). I can't speak for him but I have changed. I am not the same person as I was before Ellie went to Heaven.
I don't judge people as quickly.
I can't sit still for very long.
My patience for ungrateful people is minimal.
I don't laugh as easily.
I don't care for mindless small talk.
As soon as I am not 100% concentrated on something my mind goes to Ellie.
I don't like to be alone if I have nothing to do.
I hate getting out of bed.
I have to wrap my arms around something at night to sleep.
I have a hard time listening to people whine about small things.
Along with so many other small little things.

School started last Monday. It was an incredibly hard day. I was so full of guilt. I was mad I didn't have a baby to juggle in the morning. I had zero confidence in my ability to get 20 first graders excited to learn. I couldn't eat breakfast or drink my coffee. My abdomen was painfully tight with anxiety. This lasted all week long. I was lucky if I slept for 5 hours.
I stress out at the beginning of every school year. Teaching is a huge responsibility, one that I don't take lightly. I want to do things the right way. I want to set my students up for success and you have to start from day 1 or the rest of the year can be incredibly challenging. But all of the things that I described above can not all be from stressing over a new school year.

Night time and in the morning before school are the hardest times. Maybe the anticipation for the day? Maybe knowing I can't sit and mourn all day? Maybe because I expect the worst to happen all of the time? I have no idea why those times are the hardest. But grieving is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know how to go forward each day. I take it minute by minute.

Tonight I wrote out two checks...one to the hospital and one to the funeral home. I can't find the words to describe how wrong it is that we have to do that. We have Ellie's social security card. We also have her death certificate. Parents are not supposed to have to deal with both of those things for their children.

* anyone else see the spelling error?

Day 9/home!

We left our friends' home around 9:30 eastern yesterday morning and got home around 10:40 central last night. About 12 hours. Travels were pretty smooth. PA has some beautiful scenery.  We stopped every two hours or so to stretch our legs, use the bathroom and switch drivers. We learned there are 24 hour Starbucks! Ihad never  heard of 24 hour ones before! I was quite excited. We also learned Siri doesn't always know what she is talking about. She couldn't find Panera (even though she told us it was there), she   took us 8 miles off the highway into a really small town and told us we had arrived at Panera. So we went back to the highway and tried again by looking up Panera locations on paneras website first.  

Indiana is horrible for rest stops. 

Home! 

Today we mostly unpacked and I laundered what seemed like our entire wardrobes. We tried out our LL bean purchase today!  

Bring on the apples! This baby cores, peels and slices the apples. 

We go back to reality tomorrow. My research class begins for my masters program so I apologize if this blog is nothing but crickets.  

And I start back with students on the 26th. I have mixed emotions on beginning the school year... And seeing all my students from last year who will be asking if I had my baby. 

Day 8 again!

We left NYC yesterday morning and went to our friends home in Hershey, PA. 

I got a good picture of the PA sign this time!

We got to their house a little before 3pm, they had just moved the day before! We were absolutely spoiled while we stayed with them. They took us to The Hershey Story which is a museum of the Hershey family and company and then there is a Chocolate  Lab. 

When driving to the museum we saw the street lights had Hershey candy on the top (they are still there grandma). 

We did the Chocolate lab first, you go into this science cooking lab and sit at small tables. Each table has a sink and a supply counter. We learned about the history of Hershey and how we get the cocoa and then made our own chocolate bar. 

We spooned chocolate into our plastic mold which had a sugar transfer already in it.  And then we could add salt or graham cracker crumbs to the top. 

We had to be official and wear aprons and hair nets... Jason had a beard cover as well. 

Here is the end product! This is the sugar transfer that you see. I sprinkled salt on the other side. 

We toured the museum afterwards and then went back to Jenna and Mark's house. 

We got to tell them all about Ellie! They moved to PA the week before Ellie's party so we haven't seen them in a while.   After dinner Jenna made brownies and had pink candles for Ellie's 1 month birthday! 

This morning we had coffee together and then needed to get on the road... Jenna and Mark made a comment about sending snacks with us but couldn't find a bag... The next thing we know we are being handed this

I got Jason back! Bad photos! 

We have a tub full of food! Next time we head east we will definitely head to Hotel J & M! 

Day 9!!

We are actually headed home right now. We decided to cut the trip a little short. We are ready to be home. It is bitter sweet. It has been really good for us to be away from home and away from the sadness. Even though the sadness was with us during our trip it was just covered up. I felt sick to my stomach as I laid in bed thinking about going home to an empty house, Ellie isn't going to be there. 

We are healing and life is getting easier but there is a huge void that I can't explain. 

A new school year is starting for me and life will get busy and I hope people don't forget about Ellie because her life seems like such a short moment. It's hard to believe she was here sometimes. 

*please don't copy and paste Ellie's photo. If you want a picture just ask. 

Day 8

I don't have great Internet right now and will try posting more tomorrow. We're in Hershey, PA for the night. 

Day 7...!

Uuf-dah We are feeling the weariness of traveling by car. We left Maine this morning : ( 

Through New Hampshire, Massachusetts, & Connecticut ( about 6 hours).... We spent this afternoon/evening in NYC. Our plan was to see Central Park, Times Square, and then the 9/11 Memorial. After checking into our 5th hotel we left for Central Park. Our first NYC rookie mistake, not looking up good parking before we left!! Palm to forehead. First(!), we waited in traffic for a $13 toll for almost an hour just to get into Manhattan. We then crawled through Manhattan traffic for another hour looking for parking, we were stressed to the max. Finally we found a parking garage that was walking distance to Central Park and Times Square. Second rookie mistake, not reading how parking garage prices can jump by leaving your car there for 2 or more hours... OUCH. They cleverly only display their cheapest rate/shortest stay. 

Central Park is very pretty and makes for some great people watching. Sorry no pictures...it's a park with trees and grass... Right below sky scrapers. : ) did I paint a nice picture? 

We then walked to Times Square, even better people watching. We took a few pictures as we were walking... Please excuse the poor iPhone quality...

After dinner at Guy Fieri's, Guy's American kitchen and bar we made our way back to our car. 

Then drove about 20 minutes to 9/11 Memorial... 3rd rookie mistake, go during tour hours. We drove by a fenced in area because it is still under construction and could see nothing. Maybe if we had been more adventurous and drove a bit more we could have seen something but it was after 9pm and we were exhausted and tired of the car. So we drove another 25 minutes to our hotel. 

Tomorrow we are off to Hershey, PA to spend some time with 2 fabulous people.