Emotional morning

This morning was emotional for me. As we get closer to March 18th and finding out the gender of our baby I'm having more specific thoughts about what I am going miss out on by losing my baby so soon. This morning as I'm curling my hair for church I started thinking about if our baby is girl, I will be losing a daughter. That is more powerful than losing a non specific gender baby. Thinking about specific gender related hopes and dreams makes it all the more heartbreaking. I started tearing up thinking I wont get to curl my daughters hair or dress her up in cute outfits for church. I am happy our baby can experience cinnamon roll Sunday's in-utero but I am so sad that this baby won't get to experience it at our kitchen table with it's own plate and fork. I want to be late to church because we couldn't find the other sparkly shoe for my daughter, not because we are slow as just the two of us.

By the time we were in the car and on our way I had pulled myself together and thought I would be fine. As we are sitting and listening to the sermon my mind wandered again to the possibility that I am carrying a girl. I started thinking of how I want to memorialize my daughter personally, I want something with her name it that I can see all of the time. I saw a rose gold bangle bracelet on Pinterest the other day, it had a girls name engraved on the end of the bangle, and it was the name I would like to name our daughter. As much as I want that bracelet, I still don't think that will be enough. I need something that will always be around, that I can't lose or leave in my jewelry box on accident. The thought of wearing the bracelet around after the death of my sweet baby and having someone ask who is.... because they saw the name on the bracelet brought me to tears in the middle of the sermon, it took the rest of the sermon to bring myself back together.

I have no real thoughts about whether it's a boy or a girl, but for some reason today I just wondered, what if it's a girl?

Our counselor wants us to write letters to the baby, one from me and one from Jason. Just thinking about doing that brings me to tears. I will do it, but I think I will wait until I know the gender.

pic is from Pinterest