Ellie's birth story

Last year on this day at 3:15pm I had an OB appointment, it was just a normal check up. However, earlier that morning I experienced some cough leaking cough and thought I would call my OB and just give him a heads up. I had done this once before maybe a few weeks prior. The previous time they blamed it on a weak bladder, super. On July 8th at 3:15 I went to the appointment on my own (the ONLY appointment Jason missed) they did their test to determine if I was leaking amniotic fluid and then my nurse practitioner was gone for a LONG time. Finally, she came back in and said she could see something on the slide and she wanted my OB to look at and it would be just a little longer. Eventually both my OB and nurse practitioner came back into the room together...they saw a small pattern that indicated I could be leaking amniotic fluid and if that was the case it could lead to an infection. So my OB told me he wanted me to go to the hospital to the Labor and Delivery floor for a test, just to be sure. He then informed me if it is positive I would be admitted and Ellie would be delivered. That was about the time my heart started to race and my eyes immediately welled with tears. I hugged my nurse practitioner and left as calmly as I could. I was going to go home and pack. I called Jason on my way home and told him we needed to pack and head to the hospital, turned out Jason was already at home, perfect. I call my mom next, she didn't answer. So I called my dad, he answered! I gave him the low down and he said he'd get mom and they would pack and then wait to hear the results of the test and decide when they would make the 5 1/2 hour drive. In my head I was willing Ellie to not be born until they got to the hospital.

Once I got home Jason and I packed, pretty calmly too. We got to the hospital around 6pm (give or take). We were then put in a triage room with another couple who was waiting to go for their c-section, completely opposite emotions going on in that room. We sat in that triage room for what seemed like forever. Finally I was given the test and then had to wait for the results. I text my parents to let them know we were waiting for results, they informed me they couldn't sit at home anymore and were on their way to the hospital. YAY!! That was exactly what I needed to hear. Jason and I were very calm and quiet as we waited. I remember laying my head back and praying to God to give me the strength to get through this and telling him that if this is his timing then I am ok with that. I think I did that 3 or 4 times as we waited for the results. Finally the nurse came back in, it was positive, we were being admitted and Ellie would be delivered that night or tomorrow. It was now about 7pm. 

Eventually we were brought to our room, a large corner room. This room was at the end of the L and D floor, as far away from the nursery as possible. This was purposeful. The timeline gets a little fuzzy now for me. Jason parents got there sometime between the triage room and being moved to our room. One of my best friends informed she was in the waiting room, because she just needed to be there. My parents got there around midnight, I think. Both of Jason's brothers were there, and with cupcakes! Unfortunately, I was informed in the triage room I couldn't eat anything. I was bitter about that for a long time. I didn't even get to eat dinner. When the nurse asked me if I wanted juice I was so exited for something besides water and ice chips. 

My labor was very slow moving, I was having contractions but they didn't feel much more than menstrual cramps, and mild ones at that. Everyone went home sometime in the wee hours of July 9th. Again, my time line is a little fuzzy now so I will do my best to account the events of July 9th. Jason and I did our best to get some sleep. I don't know how they expect that when you're connected to a bunch of IV's and a baby heart rate monitor. Through out the night/morning I think 3 or 4 different machines decided to make awful alarm/beeping noises that the nurses had to come in and fix. Not getting much sleep here. Around 9 or so in the morning on the 9th our parents came back. At some point (could have been before parents came) in the morning my OB came in to "check me" essentially to check  how dilated I was at that point. I believe I was only at 1 or something like that. So he decided to start  me on pitocin, to help move things along a little faster and he estimated I would deliver sometime late that afternoon. My water has not broken at this point. If I continued to progress slowly he was going to strip membranes (break my water). Jason and I were very calm and trying to enjoy the process, as scary as it was to deliver Ellie and know that we would say good bye shortly after, we were going to meet our daughter!

Throughout the morning and early afternoon many friends and family came to visit and pretty much just hang out until it was time to deliver. The Haven Network was on standby, we had called them the night before saying we were admitted. At some point my contractions started to be a little more real...painful. I was still smiling and talking with people but it got to the point where I was gripping the sides of my bed and having to stop talking until the contraction was over. My nurse asked about the epidural, I didn't want to get it too early not be able to get out of bed. She told me 3 people were ahead of me to get their epidural and that could take a couple hours so she recommended I "get in line".

 I want to guess the epidural people (what are they called?) came around 2pm. The nurses had all of our visitors leave the room. They had me sit up on the side of the bed and hang my legs off. They started to lay out their tools and needles next to me on the bed. I was too scared to look. Jason of course watched the whole thing. Eventually they were ready and told me to hunch over my tummy. They started to feel my lower spine with their fingers and then the woman asked the other one, "can you find a good spot?". I am completely aware of everything going on around me. I am so nervous and sweating. I look down at my toes and remember thinking, I am glad I got a pedicure. One of the women asks me, "have you had issues with scoliosis?" "NO!, I am not level on the bed if that matters!" Oh my gosh! Why would they bring up scoliosis at a time like this? I scooted around the bed until my butt was level, no sheets in the way and I wasn't sitting in a crease where the bed can fold up.  Then the women found a spot on my back and told me to hunch over, pretty much have the worst possible posture you can. Ok, let me remind you of this, I was so full of fluid! My stomach was huge even though Ellie was tiny. There was no hunching over! My labor nurse was so nice and sweet, she talked to me calmly and then gave me a pillow to hug and lean onto, my nurse then pushed my shoulders down for me, ouch! I was so uncomfortable, and they hadn't even started with the needle. Eventually I had bad enough posture they could start. I wanted to cry, it hurt so bad. The blood pressure machine was down by my feet, I watched my blood pressure rise throughout the whole process. They finished with the needle and then couldn't get the tube in!!! They decided they had to do it again down lower. I had to do the whole painful process over again. Finally, it was over.

All our visitors came back in for a little while. Maybe around 3 Jason and I decided we were going to rest and try to take naps. Around 4pm my OB came back to "check me" and decided he needed to strip my membranes. Again, remember I am so full of fluid. My OB sits in a chair and puts on these blue scrub boots that pretty much come up to his knees. Due to the nature of our pregnancy everything was done in one room. So I wasn't wheeled by healthy babies being born. My OB sat on the end of my bed and broke my water...things then turned a little freaky. I was then sitting in a pool and could hear the waterfall of water start to pour off the bed and onto the floor. Oh my goodness! Jason and I just looked at each other like what is happening. Both Jason and I could see my stomach shrinking in size. At one point my labor nurse took one of those pink kidney bowls and started scooping bowls of water off my bed and poured them into the sink. I finally asked my OB if this amount of fluid was normal, he kind of stunned said no. By the end of it, he estimated I lost 3 liters of fluid, 3X the normal amount. He said things are going to move faster now. We had our family in one more time. 

Around 6pm my OB checked me again and said I was at 10 and it was time to get The Haven Network here. I remember throwing my heads up to my face and I started to cry. 9 months of carrying Ellie and now was the time that I was scared to death of. All of our family and friends were waiting in the hallway from 6ish to after Ellie was born.

This picture was taken by The Haven Network when they arrived.

The Haven Network got there around 6:30 or so, and again I started to cry as soon as they walked into the room, they cried right along with me. I didn't take any birthing classes so my labor nurse walked me through it very calmly. I didn't push for long. Ellie was born at 6:53pm. She was cleaned off and a hat was put on her head, she had a partial heart beat at that point. She was handed to me and then our parents were called in. Then very quickly our family friend and pastor was called in to baptize Ellie.

Afterwards Ellie was handed back to me and my nurse checked her heart beat, Ellie had passed away. And we all cried.  Ellie was beautiful. She was 15 1/2 inches long, her hands and feet were large. She weighed 3 lbs and 6 oz.

 I had gotten quite a few outfits for Ellie so we were able to get her dressed and call in all of our friends to spend some time with Ellie.

Jason and I spent another night in the hospital and continued to spend time with Ellie. 

I love talking about her birth story and my pregnancy because I get to talk about Ellie. 

grief

Since January 7th we have been grieving. Then we started grieving all over again on July 9th. Ellie's name is said a 1,000 times an hour in my head. Sometimes it's just her name other times it goes along with a prayer or a memory.
Jason and I grieve differently, the difference between being a man and woman, dad and mom, didn't carry the baby and carried the baby.
I have the physical pain of wanting to feel Ellie kick inside of me. I feel like I am re-learning how to be in a non-pregnant body. I forget I can bend over or try to put on other shoes other than the flip flops I wore for the last month.
The Haven Network gave us a pink baby album with black and white edited photos that I keep in our living room. I can't sit in that room and not look at the photos. There is a picture of Ellie lying on her side with her hands folded together under her chin and she is staring so innocently at the camera and I instinctively rub her cheeks every time I look at that photo. I so badly want to feel her chubby cheeks again. Or wrap her fingers around my thumbs.

I posted this article shortly before Ellie made her grand entrance into the world...
family and friends

The anxiety and awkwardness of social situations is dead on in that article. Days after Ellie passed away Jason called to ask me if I wanted to get together with a group of people and tears immediately filled my eyes. My stomach tightened and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. Since then I have not had such an intense reaction to seeing and being with other people. The intensity of anxiousness is different every other minute. I never know how I am going to feel or when the feeling is going to change to some thing more bearable.
I am ok with being around other people. But I don't feel like myself, like I used to. It feels wrong to be out of the house, to be making small talk, to be smiling. It is so uncomfortable to watch family, friends and even strangers go on with life so easily. Don't they know what happened 11 short days ago?

I am not telling you all of this so that someone can say the perfect words to make those feelings go away. I know that I am allowed to grieve how ever I need to and for how ever long I need to.

I don't cry every day. Ambien helps me sleep. And my husband makes me laugh everyday.

I have been asked if I will continue blogging... I will, but it will take awhile to figure why I am blogging now and what to write about. Before it was to keep my far away family and friends in the know about my pregnancy. And now...I don't want this to become post after post of depressing grief.

I love talking about Ellie. I love looking at her pictures. I even like talking about the hospital stay and labor. Maybe someday I'll share more details about labor and delivery. I will share one little detail now, our wee little daughter was 3lbs 6oz at birth, I gained nearly 50lbs...we were told early on in the pregnancy that I would retain excess water weight. They were NOT kidding. My OB had to break my water...I lost 3 liters of fluids in one fallow swoop. Imagine if my water had broke in the middle of Target...

Ellie is grounded this weekend

Yesterday (Monday) I left school feeling a lot of tightening around the upper half of my stomach. I had to run to Target after school to get some things for the last full day of school and the tight feeling continued but it wasn't constant is was off and on. I got home a little before 5 and couldn't wait to sit down! My belly felt like it wanted to rip off. I relaxed downstairs for a while and started to notice I hadn't felt Ellie move since I got home. Normally I feel her before work and then again when I get home and relax. I wasn't feeling great with all the tightening so I let Jason make dinner : ) I sat on the couch with my feet up working on report cards all the while feeling uncomfortable and still waiting for Ellie to move. Jason and I had dinner and I got through maybe half of it before I started to realize I probably shouldn't eat the rest...well I swallowed my last bite and passed my plate to Jason to have the rest and I walked to the bathroom feeling a little icky. Sure enough dinner came right back up. Augh.

We went downstairs and started to watch some TV and after an hour or so Jason made me a P.B. sandwich which stayed down. Ellie has still not moved and I am getting nervous. I started to think about the morning and the school day and if I remember feeling her move, well I couldn't remember feeling any movement. I tried drinking 2 glasses of really cold water, no movement. Normally when I get in bed and lay on my side she starts kicking like crazy. So after my 2 glasses of water and a few tears later I told Jason I was going to go lay in bed and see if that helped...so we both went to bed a little after 9. I laid there crying off and on for 30 minutes before I turned to Jason and asked how long do we wait to feel movement before we go to the hospital. Neither of us really knew what to do. What kind of time frame do you allow when you haven't felt baby move??? So we stated talking, if we do go to the hospital what do we bring with us? We settled in the middle; bring a small bag with some things but not a full hospital bag. So we grabbed toiletries, phone chargers and everything out of our Ellie box (which is when I started balling). I wasn't ready to do anything with Ellie's box. Around 9:45 we left for the hospital/E.R. 

This is now our 4th E.R. visit with Ms. Ellie. I walked up to the desk and told him I am about 30 weeks pregnant and have not felt fetal movement all day as far as I can remember. He had me walk around the corner and sit in a wheelchair (the wheelchair is different from our other visits. normally we sit in a waiting room). He came around quickly and asked my name, due date, and OB name. As soon as he finished a nurse appeared and asked if I was Shelby...dang that was fast is all I was thinking. She then wheeled me through some hallways and up to the labor and delivery floor, also different than our other E.R. visits. She wheeled me up to the check-in counter on the L and D floor and said they would take it from here. A nurse came out from a backroom and asked a couple questions, while she was doing something I asked Jason if I tell her about the anecephaly...because you never know what they know. Well I mentioned it to her and she said, "I know and I am so so sorry". All this has happened in about a span of 3-4 minutes. She wheeled us down to a L and D room back in a corner. I changed into a gown and the same L and D nurse started with a heart rate monitor right away, she went around my belly button, up and down my right side (where the heart beat normally is) and then finally found the heart beat dead center just under my bump!!! Little girl is head down and really low.  The nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor as well; after some questioning she said you just had a contraction and asked if I felt it. I did not. There was no tightening or anything going on. After a lot more questioning the nurse said she was going to go call the on-call OB and find out what we're going to do next. Basically are we staying or going home. While she was gone our room phone rang, Jason answered it and it was for me. The woman from admitting was calling...and now I was thinking "they're admitting me"!! Well this is something else that is different from our other ER visits, normally the admitting person walks from room to room, well normally we our down on the ER floor so that is why she was calling instead. We were sent home. Which I was just fine with. I was not ready for Ellie to be here. We got home a little before midnight I think. 

Ellie is now in trouble and grounded. 

I was so thankful for the outcome that we got. But at the same time any other parents would be thrilled and never have to worry about the heart beat again....well there being no heart beat is our reality. We can't escape it. Last night proved that no matter how strong I am during the day when it comes to going into labor I am going to fall apart. Because going into labor is the beginning to the end. I am not ready for the things in Ellie's box to be used. I am so tired of being large and swollen, but when it comes to losing Ellie or being large and swollen I will go on being large and swollen as long as I possibly can. 

Thank you for everyone's support and love during these last 5 months. 

...I am sure there are many, many grammatical mistakes. I apologize. 

sorry I have been absent

I really don't have anything exciting to share. Well, I am beyond excited that I only have 8.5 days left with students! I am so ready for a brain break. My class has come so far this year I really don't want to start over again next fall. I have been working at grading the ginormous stack of papers that have accumulated over this last trimester.
Since my grad class ended I have finally been able to read for fun. I am currently read the fourth Shopaholic book. It is a cute easy to read serious. My next grad class starts June 17th and is one week long, within that week we compete a 3 credit class. It is a tough week. So I am enjoying as much "fun" reading now while I can.

Ellie girl...
She is riding on a roller coaster inside of me I have decided (just about 30 weeks). One morning recently I was sitting on my couch drinking my coffee when all of a sudden I felt this great wave/whoosh thing roll through my stomach. I decided to flip up my shirt and see if I could see any movement.A few seconds went by and the second roller coaster went by, my whole stomach did the wave. THE weirdest feeling I have ever felt/seen. I went and got in bed wanting to show Jason, of course Ellie decided to take a break at that moment. Now I am obsessed with watching my stomach anytime I feel her move. I can see movement everyday and Jason has been able to see her moving as well.

On the not so fun side of pregnancy...my feet and ankles are so swollen! The swelling used to go down during the night. Well not so much anymore. It got so bad last Friday that I was freaking everyone out at school. They were pushing on my feet, now coined "play dough feet" because when you push on my foot it indents and takes a few seconds to puff back out.  I called my OB's office during lunch and they were a little concerned so they wanted me to come in quickly. They wanted to make sure my blood pressure hadn't rose and that there were no proteins in my urine. Well, all came out fine. They decided that I should start coming every week to check all of my numbers (blood pressure, weight, urine/protein).  I went in again today and all the numbers are good still. We were told early on that with the absence of the skull and all the amniotic fluid that I may retain excess water weight so that is why my feet and ankles are so swollen all the time.

I think that's all I got.

stretched

Holy cow...I don't understand how skin stretches out this far. Today I was walking back to my classroom after dropping the kids off at their buses and I felt like my stomach was going to rip off. It was so uncomfortable feeling. Once I sat down in my classroom with my feet up for a few minutes I felt better. I still have 3 months to go (@ 27 weeks now)! How much further is my poor tummy skin going to stretch?!
Not only is my tummy stretching....my thighs are expanding, my once waist is now "muffin top-esq." I am being a big wimp about the weight gain and body changes. I can handle my tummy bump getting bigger (self-esteem wise) but when the rest of my body begins to change I am not so happy.

ANYWAYS!
It has been quite awhile since I have posted, sorry about that. Now that the weather is warming up I have been spending more time outside and doing things around the house. I seem to be much more motivated to clean and organize when I can have the windows open. I have spent the last 2 weekends outside planting flowers. I think that is how I am "nesting" since I don't have a nursery to be prepping. I am much more motivated this spring when it comes to gardening and concerned about checking the soil everyday.

A week ago J and I met with 8 different people at the hospital I'll be delivering at. Our OB was instrumental in setting up the big meeting. In the end our OB couldn't be there, he got pulled in the OR, oh well. The rest of us went piece by piece through a birth plan. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but I didn't go into that meeting mentally prepared for talking about a birth plan and all that those entail. There were 2 woman from the Haven Network (prenatal hospice), 1 OB that our OB highly respects, 1 neonatal nurse, 1 highly respected nurse from the labor and delivery floor, and 3 admins from the labor and delivery floor. We talked through every little detail. Somethings were easy to decide if we wanted to or not, others we will work through it in the coming months. The conversation went from what kinds of things do we want in our L and D room like books, movies and computers to do we want Ellie to be intabated (spelling?).


*Warning* tearjerker ahead!! If you don't feel like being sad or re-doing your make-up don't read the following paragraph.

The hardest thing we've done lately is drive by the cemetery. We drove in and found the family members that Ellie would be laid near. It was incredibly hard and surreal. It didn't really sink in what we were doing until we sat in front of the exact spot. I continue to remind myself something that my aunt once told me, that's not where Ellie will be, she will be in Heaven. That is very comforting to me. Even with Ellie going to Heaven it is still not where I want her, I want her at our home, alive with us. I know she will be healed in Heaven and happy.

On a happy note I only have 19.5 school days left!! My school doesn't have air-conditioning! It got really warm twice last week and my feet swelled for the first time. It was quite depressing and not comfortable at all. So I am hoping the really warm weather can wait until June 7th. Well actually lets say June 12th or so, then I can get my classroom cleaned up and ready for summer/next fall.


Here is little miss Stella keeping me company while blogging, she is laying on my legs.

this and that

Sorry I have been terrible at updating my blog!! I am finally on spring break and just got back from MN the other day.

Where to begin... 

My students have been talking about my baby more often now. After I initially told them they were so concerned with sharing who they knew were pregnant and really didn't say anything about me being pregnant; which was fine with me. I can only smile so much when talking about being pregnant. They are now talking about my baby more and asking questions. A couple of my boys have told other adults at my school that I had my baby already, they are quite the crew. One of my very special babies tells adults at school that I am "fat in my belly with a baby". I told him that the baby is a girl right before spring break and now anytime I read a story about a girl he likes to make comments that Mrs. H is having a girl. He also likes to tell me that he wants to see the baby and asks if I can bring the baby to school. Those kind of comments make me smile because he has been so caring about me being pregnant that I am so happy for him and our relationship with how it is growing. He was really tough at the beginning of the year and I was worried how the rest of the year would go. When he asks if he can see her I try to explain to him that I won't have the baby until we are out of school for the summer. He doesn't really understand that statement so the conversation usually ends there. 

Ellie girl is doing wonderful (25 weeks old). She moves the most in the late afternoon and when I am laying in bed going to sleep. She was moving a lot last night as Jason and I were laying in bed so I told Jason to feel and see if he could feel her movements. She was kicking a lot right below my belly button, Jason said he felt it! and then she stopped moving. I like to play Pandora on my phone and put my phones speakers on my tummy to see if Ellie will move and she does! So as Jason was trying to feel her movements I played her a little music and she started moving quickly and Jason was able to feel her again! I was so happy that he could be apart of that. 

We met with the Haven Network yesterday about Ellie. They are a local prenatal hospice group. The woman we met with was wonderful. Her and a photographer from the Haven Network will be at the hospital when I go into labor. They will be there to help comfort, deal with memorabilia, and help dress Ellie for the first time. The photographer will take photos of Ellie, J and I, and family members that are at the hospital with us. We will get a disc with all of the photos (there will be 100's) and then they will choose some of their favorites and professionally edit them for us. The woman told us she will be there for us as often as we want or as little as we want, before Ellie's birth and after. 

We also met with our OB yesterday for our regular appointment. No ultra sound this time, we will again around 33 weeks. J and I had 2 pages of questions we wanted to discuss, our OB was wonderful and answered all of them. The delivery conversation will be on going. He would prefer a vaginal birth because he is looking out for my safety. There are many things to consider with both delivery options; they both have pros and cons. We have another appointment in May and after that we will probably have appointments more frequently. 

I suppose that is enough for now. 

Warm air

Can you spy the vent in this picture??

Probably not, because this guy is laying right on top of it. 95% of the time when the furnace kicks in he runs to the vent and lays directly on top it and doesn't get up until the furnace stops. This is Oakley, he is almost
1 1/2.

Class was cancelled tonight due to slushy snow and high winds. It was nice to have a Tuesday night at home...even though it was spent doing other school work.

Nothing very exciting happening around here. We have a Dr. appointment tomorrow at 3:15...this appointment has been rescheduled 2 times. This is supposed to be our normal monthly visit. However, we haven't seen our Dr. since the beginning of January when we went to tell him our decision about the baby. I am a little impatient at this point. It has been so long since we have gotten to talk to our Dr. about what is going on. Hoping there is still a strong heart beat : )

I don't know how many of you are on Pinterest, but I saw this picture the other day and couldn't stop laughing.

The longer I stare at it the more I laugh.