strength

A lot of people have told Jason and I how strong we are and they don't know how we are going about life like we do knowing that we are going to lose our daughter. I get it quite often on my own, not everyday but at least once a week. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty with how normal we go about normal life. I know God deserves a large amount of credit for our strength. We also have fabulous families and friends. Do I have my days/moments where I don't want to get out of bed? Of course. But when you think about it you're pregnant for almost a year of your life, that is a dang long period of time. We found out very early on about Ellie's condition, we still had majority of the pregnancy ahead of us. What are we going to do? Be angry and hate life for the next 9 months? no. We have 9 months to be parents to our little girl. There are moments when I am bitter listening to other expectant mothers talk about the frustrations of their pregnancy or about the expense of welcoming a child into the world. Sometimes I want to get up and not listen. What about J and I's expense of our pregnancy? We will pay for the birth of our child and quickly after pay for our child's funeral. It is wrong. Period.
But other times I get caught up in the pregnancy conversation and am able to laugh and enjoy sharing stories. Why shouldn't I? I have found sometimes that the fact we are going to lose Ellie doesn't even cross my mind while talking about my pregnancy with other pregnant mothers. For a moment I get to be like any other normal pregnant lady.
Ellie deserves to hear us laugh and joke. Am I going to screw all the "don'ts" of pregnancy because its already as bad as it can be? no. Ellie is alive and well right now, she deserves a healthy environment.
At this point I think we deserve to be happy and to enjoy life while we can, enjoy Ellie while we can. Just because we aren't crying everyday all day doesn't mean we don't love her and aren't thinking of her 24 hours of the day.

Come the end of July, beginning of August, we are going to dig ourselves into 12 foot deep holes and probably not come out for a very long time. The people we have been all of our lives will probably disappear for a while. I can't even imagine the reality of the pain we will feel this summer. So for these next few months we deserve to be happy. I say "we deserve" for myself, not because I am trying to prove a point to someone else.

We are also finding things to look forward to. For example we are going to have a party for Ellie in June. Some people have a hard time understanding why we would want to do that. The only birthday Ellie will have is her BIRTHday. So as parents we decided we want to throw her a party while she is alive. To have as many people near her that love her and want to celebrate her life as possible. That is something that as her parents we are excited about, this is the only party we will get to throw for her.

I think of this quote often when I think of Ellie and her impact on us and everyone surrounding us. 

morning sickness??

This will be really short but had to share.
So this morning I was feeling a bit nausea's so I had a bowl of cereal...as soon as I finished and walked to the bathroom it came up. I thought I was over this!! Well this bought was so bad I burst blood vessels in my face and neck! I look like I got too much sun over spring break or like I don't know how to do my make-up. Right below my eyebrows look awful! They are bright red. Also below my mouth on either side are dark red and blotchy. My cheeks and neck are scattered with  red freckles.

The joys of pregnancy. I Googled it and looks like it is quite common. Most people say it will go away in 3-4 days, there was one person who said they never went away...

this and that

Sorry I have been terrible at updating my blog!! I am finally on spring break and just got back from MN the other day.

Where to begin... 

My students have been talking about my baby more often now. After I initially told them they were so concerned with sharing who they knew were pregnant and really didn't say anything about me being pregnant; which was fine with me. I can only smile so much when talking about being pregnant. They are now talking about my baby more and asking questions. A couple of my boys have told other adults at my school that I had my baby already, they are quite the crew. One of my very special babies tells adults at school that I am "fat in my belly with a baby". I told him that the baby is a girl right before spring break and now anytime I read a story about a girl he likes to make comments that Mrs. H is having a girl. He also likes to tell me that he wants to see the baby and asks if I can bring the baby to school. Those kind of comments make me smile because he has been so caring about me being pregnant that I am so happy for him and our relationship with how it is growing. He was really tough at the beginning of the year and I was worried how the rest of the year would go. When he asks if he can see her I try to explain to him that I won't have the baby until we are out of school for the summer. He doesn't really understand that statement so the conversation usually ends there. 

Ellie girl is doing wonderful (25 weeks old). She moves the most in the late afternoon and when I am laying in bed going to sleep. She was moving a lot last night as Jason and I were laying in bed so I told Jason to feel and see if he could feel her movements. She was kicking a lot right below my belly button, Jason said he felt it! and then she stopped moving. I like to play Pandora on my phone and put my phones speakers on my tummy to see if Ellie will move and she does! So as Jason was trying to feel her movements I played her a little music and she started moving quickly and Jason was able to feel her again! I was so happy that he could be apart of that. 

We met with the Haven Network yesterday about Ellie. They are a local prenatal hospice group. The woman we met with was wonderful. Her and a photographer from the Haven Network will be at the hospital when I go into labor. They will be there to help comfort, deal with memorabilia, and help dress Ellie for the first time. The photographer will take photos of Ellie, J and I, and family members that are at the hospital with us. We will get a disc with all of the photos (there will be 100's) and then they will choose some of their favorites and professionally edit them for us. The woman told us she will be there for us as often as we want or as little as we want, before Ellie's birth and after. 

We also met with our OB yesterday for our regular appointment. No ultra sound this time, we will again around 33 weeks. J and I had 2 pages of questions we wanted to discuss, our OB was wonderful and answered all of them. The delivery conversation will be on going. He would prefer a vaginal birth because he is looking out for my safety. There are many things to consider with both delivery options; they both have pros and cons. We have another appointment in May and after that we will probably have appointments more frequently. 

I suppose that is enough for now. 

nap time

Jason went to go do a little painting downstairs and I thought it was a good time to take a nap...I woke up to this song on American Idol...

Carrie Underwood- I will see you again

engagement and baby clothes

I have started and stopped this post a handful of times now, not because I have something hard to talk about but because words just don't want to come today.

I posted on Saturday saying it was a dull day, well actually I had a secret that I wasn't sure if I could share yet. My brother in-law got engaged on Saturday!! Same brother in-law I mentioned in an earlier post saying he needed to hurry up and propose. He is engaged to a wonderful sweet woman.

Ellie girl...she feels like a tire around my waist. All of a sudden I feel like I can't bend over normally or lean forward in a chair easily. I don't feel like my belly has grown that much to make that feeling pop up all of a sudden. Sleeping has also gotten a little uncomfortable. I am so cautious of laying on my stomach. I am told I can sleep on my stomach but I think I am just nervous of hurting Ellie. I wake up in the middle of the night and before my alarm feeling uncomfortable, almost like my stomach is being stretched but it can't stretch anymore. Is that normal? Or am I crazy?

As I was wandering around Target today I past the baby clothes section and couldn't help myself from going in and picking out something for Ellie. Whether she is born alive or not she will need at least a few outfits. I found two cute summery outfits. Emotionally I was fine, my mind was kind of blank as I picked out the outfits and then went about my shopping. I realized when I got home I was afraid to be happy about buying clothes because I might jinx Ellie and she won't be born alive if I buy too much stuff in hopes she will be with us for a length of time. I remember the morning of our January 7th appointment, I was watching those baby story shows on TV (the first time since we found we were pregnant) and then hours later we found out our baby probably won't be able to come home with us. I know I really didn't jinx Ellie by watching those shows but it is quite annoying the morning of the appointment I let myself get excited about being pregnant. I am not sure how I will ever be able to relax the next time we find out we're pregnant...

Back to school tomorrow. It is always harder to go back after a long weekend, but only 9 school days until spring break!!